There’s a reason I titled this piece “Ten OF the best lines” rather than “THE ten best lines”. This episode was overflowing with lines that caused me to get a huge smile on my face, laugh, curse (as in, “Man, I love this fuckin’ show!”),  my jaw drop, or a combination of the above.  I probably still would have had some trouble narrowing it down to twenty.

My “Ten Things We Learned” was taking longer to write; I kept jotting down great lines, then realizing I didn’t have room for them, but couldn’t bring myself to edit them out. Finally I just said the hell with this and wrote this instead (‘Ten Things We Learned’ will still be posted shortly).

If I left out one of your favorites, feel free —in fact please do— put it in the “reply” section. I’d kill for a script of that episode.. Fun fact: Ryan Murphy said in the post-show Q&A with EW.com that Leigh (Psycho Santa) Emerson (Ian McShane) will actually return  next week.  I re-watched, and they didn’t show him die…  not that it makes a difference when you’re in American Horror Story-territory.  That should be something to see;  it’s more of a dialogue between their characters (according to Murphy) rather than them trying to kill one another and getting tossed around the room while Leigh makes progressively raunchy and disturbing comments.

Of course, there’s spoilers, but it’s a scream.  Speaking of screams… these are in no particular order (OK, except for the one I saved for last).

1. Sister Mary Eunice (after Leigh pulls down the ladder Frank was using to put the pointy ornament on the tree top and smashes it into Frank’s face before two giant orderlies pull him off): Two steps forward, one step back.

2. Little Susie: Are you hurt, Santa?
Leigh: Oh, no no. This isn’t Santa’s blood!

3. Dr. Arden: I don’t believe in God. But I believe in evil. I have seen it up close and personal.
Sister Jude: Of that I have no doubt.

4. Sister Mary Eunice: Did you celebrate Christmas in your Nazi household?*

 

5. Leigh (after Sister Jude won’t take off his shackles for the group Christmas photo in 1963): Well, I don’t want to be in your shitty picture, then!

6. Dr. Arden: I so dearly hoped you’d throw them back in my face, that you couldn’t stand to touch those shit-stained earrings. I was hoping there’d be a glimmer of horror… a glimmer of that precious girl who was too afraid to even take a bite of my candy apple.

 

7. Leigh (dressed as Santa, with female patient on his lap): Whaddaya say we blow this pop stand, savage a few elves, and then go suck on each other? (patient hastily leaves)

8. Sister Mary Eunice (after putting on the ruby earrings from Dr. Arden): Look how beautiful they are on me. They bring out the rose in my cheeks!

 

9. Susie’s Dad: (after Leigh mentions finding some “rape” under their Christmas tree) Don’t you touch her!
Leigh: Hey, who said anything about her?  You know the difference between that Santa Claus and me? He only comes once a year!

10. Lana, to Thredson: One day, I’ll bury you.

*on the first viewing, I mis-heard it as, “Did you celebrate Christmas, you Nazi asshole?”

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• American Horror Story Asylum’s Lily Rabe Talks Sister Mary Eunice And The Upcoming Christmas Episode – “I’ll Never Look At A Christmas Tree The Same Way Again!” (horrorboom.com)
• Chris Harnick: ‘American Horror Story: Asylum’ Recap: ‘Unholy Night’ Brings Christmas To Briarcliff (huffingtonpost.com)
• ‘American Horror Story’: Ryan Murphy on Ian McShane’s psycho Santa and the return of Pepper — EXCLUSIVE (horrorboom.com)