So!  I got the coveted Jaws Blu-ray as a wedding anniversary gift from my husband earlier in the week. I suppose I could write about how great it is, and why, plus my memories of seeing it in the theater as a kid, but vacation-brain, remember? Instead (for now) I came up with a drinking game. Of course, if you’re not of legal drinking age where-ever you’re located,  just drink some milk or V-8 or fruit punch (red, of course, reminiscent of blood diluted with ocean water) or an energy drink, heh heh. If you’re healthy, not under the legal limit, drink socially, and don’t plan to be driving or operating heavy machinery any time soon after the movie, knock yourself out (so to speak)! How about a case o’ home-made apricot brandy? No? Good choice.

OK! Here’s how it works! Regular version: you got five choices. Pick either Brody, Hooper, Quint, Jaws himself, or the miscellaneous column  (I’m not being lazy, that’s the actual title of the category).  If  more than one person calls Quint, either play Shark-Blood-Harpoon Rock-Paper-Scissors, or arm-wrestle (hey, it is Quint). Also, I don’t want to be held responsible in any way if anyone vomits all over their flat-screens, so watch which category/character you pick if you’re a lightweight! Start with Jaws/Bruce. High alcohol tolerance? Try Quint—he has a pretty high tolerance too!

Simple Version: If there’s a trailer on the DVD, watch it (one of the ones with dialogue, not just a voice-over ‘teaser trailer’) before viewing the feature film. Proceed to drink when a line from the trailer is spoken in the movie (“Michael? Did you hear your father? Out of the water, NOW!” or “This was no boat accident.”)

High Tolerance Version of above– also drink once for a shot/moment that appears in the trailer (like the push-in on Brody showing his reaction to his realization to the Alex Kinter attack), or ‘Chrissie’s Last Swim’) occurs in the movie.

Brody
1 drink when:

• He mentions that he hates the water (or another character calls him on it)
• Goes through an entire scene with his cigarette in his mouth
• Swears (high tolerance? Add religious exclamations like “Jesus!”, etc.)
• Gets reminded by Mayor that Amity is a ‘Summer Town’, meaning closing the beaches or issuing some kind of proactive
  warning will cost the town too much money
• Looks like he wants to punch Mayor Vaughn in the face
• DA/PDA (includes shoulder rub) w/Mrs. Brody
• Tells someone he used to be a cop in New York, and took this job because of the peacefulness and he kind of wanted a more stress-free, less hazardous position  in this quiet beach town of Amity

Hooper —
1 drink when:

• Uses some aquatic or shark-related lingo that goes over most townspeople’s heads
• Someone refers to him (to his face) as a college kid/city boy (extra drink if it’s not Quint)
• Tries to nicely explain to the Mayor (or other authority figure) that a shark is going to attack and eat someone unless they take action/close the beaches
• Explains less nicely when he gets blown off over and over when he tries to warn them about how dangerous sharks are
• Makes fun of Quint (when he’s not looking)
• While underwater in scuba gear, gets terrified (usually by making an abrupt, ghastly discovery, or by encounter with a  three-ton shark) and panics, causing bubbles to burst out of his nose/mouth, close up on his eyes bugging out in shock/fear
• Laughs/giggles loudly when nervous, or someone says something idiotic. High tolerance version: also drink when he laughs at his own joke.
  

  See bullet point 6 under “Hooper”

Quint–

1 drink when:

• Bellows boisterous sea shanty
• Croons ominous sea shanty
• Basically calls Brody or Hooper a pussy to their faces
• Uses boating/sea hunting lingo
• Barks directions/orders at the top of his lungs when The Orca is in crisis mode (“Goddammit, lad, MOVE!” etc.).
• Doesn’t seem overly concerned when part of boat is on fire, motor dies, or boat is clearly taking on water
• Performs a monologue lasting more than one minute*
  

  

JAWS himself (AKA ‘Bruce’)
1 Drink when:

• Has his meal just baaaarely missed when someone gets to safety at the last possible second
• Snout/teeth break the water’s surface (sorry, fins don’t count)
• Makes a horrifying noise that is probably zoologically inaccurate (such as a low roar or a hiss), but it’s so goddamned cool no-one cares about it
• Bruce’s POV sequence as he cruises underwater while his theme music is played
• has meat stuck between his 700 teeth after a meal
• appears to be impervious to bullets or very sharp knives, not even slowing down (unless he’s setting up a trap)
• successfully eats a human being – drink twice (only four of these).

  

Miscellaneous –
1 drink when:

• Dead body –or part of one– pops out and scares the shit out of everyone (audience and/or characters)
• Any combination of the three lead characters (Brody and Hooper, Hooper and Quint, or all three) get visibly hammered over drinks together (speech is a least a little slurred)
• Remains of shark victim’s body (on or off-screen) cause a character/s to look like they might puke or faint
• Anyone trying to kill the shark and get the initial $3000 bounty gets greedy and makes a really stupid, rash decision
• Mayor (up till third act of movie) announces to everyone there’s no danger of a shark attack, it’s PERFECTLY safe to go in the water!
• Clusterfuck stampede at beach when someone yells, “Shark!”
• Any time a classic Jaws line that even people who’ve only seen the movie once remember is delivered (“You’re gonna need a bigger boat”), toast and drink.

Have fun!

 

*and of course, Robert Shaw delivers the speech so perfectly that he just levels everything and everyone else on the motherfucking set.

 

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