The Haunting: The Abridged Script From The Editing Room – Plus My 1999 Review Of The 1999 Movie

Ugh, God, one of the worst horror remakes I’ve ever seen. I remember I saw it on a Friday night with a friend, we were both hammered and thus easily entertained, but the movie did nothing for us. The audience was sniggering openly at some of the bad CGI, the only jump was a fake one, about the only thing that roused us from our coma was Owen Wilson suddenly being decapitated. Terrible. TERRIBLE! I think that the director Jan De Bont sort of tried, but he was wrong for the project. I’m trying to think of a horror movie he made that I loved and coming up empty, but in all fairness, if I think of one I’ll come back and update this.

If you want a blast from the past,  I found the my original review from IMDB. Movies cost SEVEN DOLLARS at the time, and now I feel 150 years old. However, I still stand by my review dated July 1999. Here it is, unedited:

The original was better. I mean WAY better. I already had a lot of respect for the original as a neat little 60’s horror flick but this movie made it look even better in comparison. Why didn’t they leave it alone? It didn’t help that the original was a classic. But they messed up here. I hardly ever say this, but the effects were overdone–they didn’t make up for the putrid script or lack of scares. There was only one moment when I jumped and that was because everyone else in the theater screamed and scared me. Plenty of people were laughing at parts that were not supposed to be funny–not a good sign. There was just no excuse for the amazingly stupid line, “It’s about family!” which would make you wince under any circumstances but came at what was supposed to be the climax of the film. The house is supposed to look old, but it is so obvious that it was just created by a set designer or is CGI. Really not very scary. The sound was good, I’ll give it that, but that was about it. The writers obviously just threw in Theo’s character being bisexual because they knew the guys who think Zeta-Jones is hot would get off on it–unlike the novel, where there is a point to it. Really, see a matinée–if you really MUST see it, that is, which I do not recommend–and see it while the theaters are still packed, which makes it more of a thrill ride. All the so-called ‘scares’ and CGI in this film put together do not even measure up to be 10% as scary as the scene in the original where Nell thinks Theo is holding her hand in bed but turns on the light to see her friend across the room, who had been asleep in her own bed. I had a bad feeling about this movie when I saw the trailer months ago that featured the tagline “Some Houses Are Born Bad”. Should have stuck with my original instincts on this one and saved my time and my 7+ bucks. Do yourself a favor and rent the original instead. (The End)

Cover of "The Haunting"

Cover of The Haunting

The original, now THAT is a scary movie. We were assigned Shirley Jackson‘s novel to read in sixth grade and I remember it frightened me to the point where I lost sleep. Click the link below OR the photo to read an extremely funny Rod Hilton abridged version. It’s a way better use of your time than seeing the weak remake.

The Haunting: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.

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Here’s Some Comic Relief! Read Orphan: The Abridged Script from Rod Hilton’s The Editing Room

I kept hearing how great this movie was, so I finally broke down and rented it from Netflix. It wasn’t that great. It wasn’t even that good,  actually. Instead, I should have just stuck to reading this “Abridged Script” from The Editing Room, because it’s much more entertaining (and doesn’t take 100 minutes of my time). Click the below image or the link to read. Enjoy!

Orphan: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.

Why the character dressed like this, is never explained.

 

Psycho: The Abridged Script From The Editing Room (1998 Remake)

Well well, Rod Hilton does it again! I was checking his site, The Editing Room: Abridged Scripts for Movies  and what do I come across but a very funny abridged script for the arguably uncalled-for, ill-advised shot-for-shot remake  of Hitchcock’s Psycho directed by Gus Van Sant in 1998, in keeping with the Psycho theme of today’s previous post!

I really can’t bitch and moan too much about the movie, since I rented it when it came out on DVD. No, VHS, it was released on DVD a little less than a year before we got our first DVD player. I guess I have the half-hearted excuse that I’d thought Vince Vaughn was sexy as hell as a charming, sociopathic killer in Clay Pigeons (an opinion which I still stand by– if only he hadn’t run his good looks into the ground five years later from partying and not taking care of his health*) and I thought he might bring that vibe to the Psycho  remake, but it turned out to NOT be worth seeing the remake for.  If you really liked it, then good for you, I’ve got no quarrel and am happy some movie-goers got enjoyment out of it. Occasionally, I may put down some movies when I write about them here (though I try to keep things at least 90% positive) but I try to make it a policy never to put down the fans of whatever movie I’ve been talking shit about.  Yes, I realize I am so Caucasian that I almost glow in the dark and that I’m well over 30 years old , but I’m still using the motto  don’t hate the player, hate the game  …and I try to keep Horror Boom relatively hate-free. God knows at least half the internet–especially when discussing the entertainment industry– drips disdain, dislike (at best), and negativity.**  I don’t want that elitist bullshit here, and I get the feeling you agree!

Psycho (1998 film)

Psycho (1998 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OK, anyway, back to the Psycho  remake. My experience was that there was nothing in the movie that stayed in my mind for longer than thirty minutes after the credits rolled the movie In fact, I found reading this hilarious script about ten times more entertaining than the actual remake. Hope you find it amusing too!

While we’re on the word “psycho,” by the way, I’m losing my damn mind knowing the American Horror Story: Asylum  premiere is less than 48 hours away! OK, deeeeeeeeep breaths… no need for an adrenaline surge when I’m trying to wind down and fall asleep. If this waiting-for-Christmas-morning-in-elementary-school feeling doesn’t subside, I’ll end up having to go pour myself a glass of wine or something to get rid of the fight-or-flight response my brain sends out when I’m excited about an upcoming event.  Now here’s that script!

Psycho: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.

*I’ll still stand by that, too. He’s still funny (though the last time I really laughed hard at a performance was in Old School  ) but due to some (legal) vices over the years, it’s actually depressing. If  I did one of those ‘scared straight’ photo progressions for him over the years (like I’ve seen as scare tactics for meth and heroin where they show a series of ten mug shots over the space of ten years or less where the woman starts out looking fine–if not completely wholesome, anyway– then by the last mug shot look so frightening that they might make small children cry) it’d be clear how far downhill his good looks went since the late 90s to now. I’m in no way implying VV uses meth or coke or any kind of drug at all, by the way, when I use that analogy.

**and that’s not even counting trolls going out of their way to ruin someone’s day or evening, sadly.

The Possession: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room

From all the word-of-mouth I’ve heard, the movie is about as scary as this Abridged Script. Sure am glad I waited for the DVD (if that)! If you want to see the movie roasted, here’s a great piece to read…  and if you like it, I highly recommend The Editing Room website, and signing up for Twitter updates from Rod Hilton  (who had me hooked back in 1999 with the abridged Phantom Menace script).

 

The Possession: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.