Here’s 13 Essential Tools for Surviving a Zombie Outbreak…

Hey, I had to post something  in consideration of the fact that The Walking Dead Season Three premiere, titled “Seed”, is less than 24 hours away– now with 100% more MICHONNE!

Yep, it’s good to have moleskin on hand, but in my book, I’d take one blister over ten zombies (see the statement that “One Blister Is More Dangerous To You Than Ten Zombies” in the guide below). Unless the blister was caused by stepping on a zombie’s mouth in your bare feet (or you’re such an idiot that you don’t pay attention to it until your foot is rotting off with gangrene, in which case you probably weren’t going to make it long anyway with such shitty survival skills and no common sense), that’d be SO the least of your problems if ten zombies shamble up to you. What’s the worst thing that can happen with a blister without moleskin? It’ll get infected, and I’ll have to use the hydrogen peroxide I’d carry with me in my little first aid I keep in my glove compartment even when the zombie apocalypse hasn’t happened? How is that more dangerous than ten hungry zombies? Worst case, you drain it and put a band-aid over the blister.

Worst case with ten zombies, though? Oh, I don’t know, maybe if they corner or outnumber you when you’re alone and out of bullets, they rip into with their bloodthirsty, decayed, zombie-virus-carrying mouths and teeth, and end up awkwardly pulling you apart, as you slowly die watching them eat your insides, then you come back as a zombie who’ll never get any food because your brain wasn’t destroyed and you’re just a rotting torso making horrible noises, THEN the best case scenario is some compassionate human with a loaded gun or a heavy/sharp tool stumbles over your pathetic, weakly flailing upper half and feels sorry enough for you that they shoot you in the head and put you out of your misery. But God forbid you if have a blister!   Don’t worry about those ten zombies, they’re not as dangerous.  Take care of that blister and apply the moleskin immediately, that’s your top priority. Then you can worry about ending up like “Bicycle Girl,” or some having a pack of cruel, bored human survivors see what happens if they cut off your head and put it on a stick for entertainment, bounce empty beer cans off your forehead, and laugh when you make pathetic attempts to bite them when they hold their hands just out of reach of your mouth. A sore on your foot would be much worse, though!

I’m just kidding.  Either way,  I still thought this was creative on REI’s part, so enjoy this entertaining piece from The Blackened Skull. Their blog rocks. I love the fact that  Dead Alive  is on the “Zombie Research Materials” list. Someone in REI’s marketing department knows their zombie movies!

10/15/12 UPDATE! Here’s the link to watch the (fast-paced and gory as hell) Walking Dead Season 3 Premiere, “Seed”, on AMCTV.com.  It’s only available until Halloween, though.

Blackened Skull

13 Essential Tools for Surviving a Zombie Outbreak

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American Horror Story: Asylum – Over 100 Images of Creepy Shots In New Opening Credits!

Well, if you’re reading this, I assume by now you’ve seen my post that had a You Tube video embedded in it of the first sick, creepy, and fun five minutes of American Horror Story: Asylum (if not, click here). Tuesday evening (well, Wednesday morning, it was definitely after midnight), the only link to the new five minutes was on Facebook, and guess what? It didn’t work (turns out I was not alone)! I was ready to turn in around 5:00 AM, but ended up staying up till after 8:00AM fiddling around with the goddamned thing to get it to work. I finally got so sleepy I decided to say the hell with it and grab some shut-eye. When I logged in today, I wasn’t really expecting anything, but ta-dah! Thus the aforementioned post. That was a pretty cool way to start the day.

Though some people didn’t like Adam Levine and what happened to him (he’s NOT DEAD, upset Adam Levine fans, he’s signed for the whole season) everyone lost their got-damn minds (all at the same time, apparently, judging from the various messages/boards almost bursting into flames.  about the new opening title credits sequence. They –and I — LOVED it. You probably noticed some quick blink-and-you-miss-them moments; flashes of raw, visceral images. I was curious and ended up getting screencaps for as many of those as I could for you to enjoy (I do NOT own them, nor do I own the copyright, they’re here for entertainment only) There’s a few clues –and verification of hints we already got– in there… if you’ve read anything about the upcoming season, you probably noticed them too. If you have theories, share them in the comments section. These filled in a few blanks for me too, I’ll post on it later–nothing that’ll spoil the thrills, though. More to come!

Check THESE out… and enjoy!

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Watch the First 5 Minutes of American Horror Story: Asylum – RIGHT NOW!

Having sex in all twelve of them? Where 46,000 people died in this last stop alone? Purposely in the most evil, ghastly spots, does anyone really think that’s a good idea (especially on American Horror Story)?  Are they TRYING to rack up the worst karma possible? 

First things first! Watch the first sick five minutes of American Horror Story: Asylum below – including the disturbing new opening credits! Same soundtrack, new hideous images. If you weren’t quite sold before, if you’re a horror fan, these sick (in the best way) five minutes will sell you.  They actually make the first five minutes of Season One look tame (and the first five minutes of American Horror Story Season One weren’t too shabby. But this, THIS stuff,  is terrifying and twisted and dirty and disturbing and extremely NSFW, and I love every freaky minute of it. There, I said it. Somebody had to say it! So, check THIS  crazy, scary, and fun footage out — what are you waiting for? We’ve been waiting all year!

Last stop on the “haunted honeymoon tour”.  46,000 people died there?  Her ideal honeymoon is having sex with her new husband in the twelve most haunted places in the world? I wouldn’t even want to go NEAR them, except maybe during a guided tour in the daytime. The closest we got on our honeymoon was The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.*

Having sex in all twelve of them? Purposely in the most evil, ghastly spots, does anyone really think that’s a good idea (especially on American Horror Story)?  Are they TRYING to rack up the worst karma possible (and that’s at best, assuming none of these places are really haunted, and there’s no squatters or any kind of cult living there). Yes, having sex on an old electroshock therapy table and laughing about it, then sticking your hand into a slot in the cell wall where the most ‘famous inmate’, a notorious serial killer who liked to skin his victim’s faces (yes, I know what his bride’s little reward for that was), even though it’s pitch black. How could THIS go wrong? Enjoy that kinky sex while you can, happy young couple, because something tells me it’s going to be the last time you ever have fun again…

HOAH! They’re not screwing around in the title credits this season.

I’m working on a gallery from the opening credits. But I know one thing. If I could pick one word to describe what this season is going to be like for horror fans and fans of the show, that word would be:

Fun FUN! Oh, baby…

*Uh, I should clarify …NO, we did not have sex in, on, or around The Haunted Mansion. Not only would we probably get arrested and never get to go on the ride again, but it would have been hard to look around and see all the awesome Haunted Mansion sights. Also, it’d be hard enough to manage sex in a “Doom Buggy”, but with the Haunted Hitchhikers in there, it’d definitely be too crowded!

Grave Encounters 2 is Available On Demand 10/2/12 – New ‘Leaked Clip’ and More!

Well, a clip has been released leaked from Grave Encounters 2;   our friends at Dread Central have the article and the clip that arrived mysteriously in their email inbox from someone with the username DeathAwaits.  Hmmm, that sounds familiar, the kind of username that would be in a press kit… let’s see here.

Click here for the full story (and the same clip) on DreadCentral.Com!

That’s strange. He looks as though he may have a bloodshot eye… or is that actual blood in the inner corner?

I wish I had some reviews to link to, but none of the IMDB links work at the time of this writing; they all take me to an error page of some kind. I hope that’s some kind of creative marketing gimmick and not because they ordered all the less-than-positive advance reviews pulled. I think they’ll be positive, though (I trust Uncle Creepy here). Actually, I don’t even know if they could do that (have reviews pulled, that is), so I guess I might actually have to go into a movie clean for once! I don’t have the kind of willpower to avoid reviews of a movie I’ve been excited about for months, even if it’s going to be available to watch in 48 hours.

However, Back To The Movies has posted an exclusive interview (audio) with the director of Grave Encounters 2,  John Poloquin:

Oooo, prosthetics! I’m sure certain shots couldn’t be done without CGI, but I’m really happy they are using practical effects whenever possible. That’s all the new info I’ve got for you for Grave Encounters 2  as of this writing.  However, in anticipation of the On Demand premiere being around the corner, I do have a little ‘photo gallery’ from the original  Grave Encounters  (2011)!  I snapped them the last time I rented it and watched on our flat screen*, and turned the closed captions on (otherwise they wouldn’t be very interesting). I do NOT own the copyrights to any of these images,  I’m posting them here for entertainment purposes only (I’ve got a full disclaimer about copyright issues on this page to cover my ass). If you haven’t seen Grave Encounters  yet, and plan to, you might want to skip the gallery, because several are spoilers as to the fate of certain characters …and BIG jump moments …especially towards the end.

You’d be surprised how many of the shots I took have this exact closed caption. I love how there’s about eight exclamation points, in case the viewer might not get the idea…

I seemed to get a lot of those. I could put up ten photos from different scenes in the movie, and the captions would all be:  [screams] Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!   We see plenty of scream-worthy things in Grave Encounters,  but I ended up capturing an equal number of verbal reactions, some of which didn’t have any distinct image to go with them like the shot above. Example:

And here’s about as minimalist as those shots get for you:

Well,  the below “Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!”  is  in color. Shout out to the top commenter on my Grave Encounters -themed pieces,”Lobotomy Jack” — I bet you can tell which scene this is from!  (10/1 update: he could)

Well, at least that one’s in color. I seriously could put up a dozen of them (plus, the CCs use the caption “Raaaaaar!” for several scary creatures shrieking/roaring).  There’s also a bunch that are captioned with very realistic reactions (I know I’d be yelling the same things at the top of my lungs in their situation at some points):

And I’d be saying/yelling THIS more or less non-stop if I was trapped in that fucking hell-hole:

OK, I’ll get to the gallery/slideshow (however you want to view it) now. I basically picked the shots that were most memorable, as well as lines that strongly evoke the spirit (so to speak) of the movie– the reason why it haunts many of us devoted Grave Encounters  fans. Here we go…

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Is it Tuesday yet?

*As I often do with really cool horror movies, especially if I’m going to write about them. If I’m too tired, taking notes isn’t always fast enough for my horrible short-term memory and ADD, so I get out the camera. The bonus is, though, cool pics for postings and galleries!

Chills to Beat Summer Heat, Part Three: Bongcheon-Dong

OK, I checked this out last week after a recommendation. It was way too hot for me inside, and actually just as baking-hot outdoors.  I didn’t notice the heat for at least ten minutes after I read this web-comic ghost story, written and illustrated by Horang.

The comic made the rounds in Korean first, and I’m pretty sure it was still scary as hell that way, it’s much more effective being able to know the actual story–much, MUCH creepier. If I say too much –well, just go in clean. That is, if you’re feeling brave. You’ll find the link (very clearly labelled by me, so no-one accidentally clicks on it) below…

A screen shot from the South Korean web comic Bong-Cheon-Dong. A shadow stretching towards her, out of the blue, on what was a deserted walkway. Creepy enough for you? It gets better!

Watch it with either headphones on and the sound turned medium-to-loud, or (like I did) with the volume setting on my laptop medium-to-loud. And no, this isn’t one of those cheap “scary maze game”  or “if you look closely enough at this photo for at least 30 second, you may be one of the people who sees the suggestion of a ghost” jumps. Yeah, those work the first time; anyone can make someone jump with a loud blast of noise and a representation of Samara Morgan suddenly appearing while you’re focusing on something else*. Real artists earn their scares, and this is one of them. After you click the link below, scroll down as you read the web-comic, get into the unsettling (at best) story, and let it wash over you… and see what happens.

Click here to read the Creepy-Ass Boncheon-Dong South Korean Ghost Story.

 

If you’re prone to panic attacks or anxiety, I’ve officially (if sort of retroactively) warned you about watching/reading after dark! Seriously, I don’t want anyone to start hyperventilating and pass out like Tony Soprano used to. OK, it’d probably take a lot of other scary things going on in your life to cause you to collapse to the floor in a dead faint, but still. I don’t even want to think how it would have affected my mood and insomnia if I hadn’t been mentally healthy and feeling fairly cool, calm, and collected when I read it! Keep the sound on, turn the lights down, and check out Boncheon-Dong. After people have had a chance to read it, I’ll go into the background. I actually want to find more from this comic series, because (unsurprisingly) the artists/writers know how to scare the living shit out of everyone …with finesse, might I add.

Let me know when you’ve read it…  and pleasant dreams! Did I mention this is an urban legend, but supposedly based on a true story? I’m a little hesitant to look into the background, even though I know it’s probably just an urban legend, because I may find more information than I need.

Update, 8/19/12: Showed this to my husband last night (yep, after dark), with the volume cranked, and as he was casually scrolling through, realized I was doing my Pilates/yoga breathing, a technique I learned not just to do doing a workout, but to calm down if I can feel myself starting to get jumpy or see red. Guess my body was ahead of my brain. This is a man who saw Insidious with me in the theater and barely changed his facial expression while at least half of the audience screamed in panic at over half a dozen BIG jump scares. If he did flinch, it was due to the fact he was sitting inches away from the loudest scream queen in the theater (me). Bongcheon-Dong made us both jump twice (and I knew what was coming) and prompted him to comment on the freakiness after the first jump and swear loudly the second. In fact, I had to nudge him a little to get him to finish reading the entire story.  So yeah, that’s his endorsement …and shortly after we finished and he fell asleep, I left more comfortable after I turned the fan down from the “High” to “Low” setting.

*By the way, have you seen (among the ton of ‘Funny Reaction to Scary Maze, Lol!’ videos on You Tube), the ones where they trick a kid clearly so young they were probably in Kindergarten at the time into watching it? And it’s usually one of the parents that gets the clever idea not only to scare their small child but RECORD it for laughs? I have a rule of thumb not to judge others on their parenting skills since it’s none of my business, but what the fuck is wrong with them? You deliberately frightened your kid to the point of tears? You think that’s a good idea? Really? If I put links up to any reaction videos to Bongcheon-Dong, it’s going to be of grown men (and there’s no shortage of those) who filmed themselves reading it. Now THAT is some funny shit.

A First -Trailer of the Week is promoting a mainstream release!

Now, I ‘m trying not to get my hopes up for this upcoming horror flick (though I guess they’d rather we called the genre “Supernatural Thriller” or “Action Thriller”, oh please God no) that’s getting a mainstream release. I hope they give it the push they gave Insidious about this time last year (2011). Now, that’s going to be either a really, really long piece or a series of articles*. I distinctly recall (among other involuntarily actions that probably wasn’t a picnic for Rick, whom I only got to see Insidious with me by paying for both our tickets) my gut-reaction to the first HUGE jump about halfway through**- I let out a scream so loud I was dimly aware feeling my chin hit my upper chest.  I’d recently accidentally discovered, during a showing of Quarantine (the REC remake, watered-down, but close enough to the original when viewed in a pitch-dark theater) a new talent of mine: screaming like a top-tier professional Scream Queen.***

…His mother, Luisa (Pilar Lopez de Ayala), worries that her son’s fertile imagination is fueling the vivid and increasingly alarming dreams that disrupt his sleep each night (Intruders)

OK, where was I? I first discovered the existence of this movie several months ago when Entertainment Weekly magazine did a piece “grading” the best and worst movie posters of the upcoming year. They gave Intruders an F. I remember thinking, great, nice vague title that I’m pretty sure has been used before, plus –wait, that’s CLIVE OWEN? What kind of idiot covers up Clive Owen’s face on a poster when one of your target demographics is heterosexual women? Not to mention, even if Owen wasn’t sexy as hell, that  you don’t want want to market a movie with an established, likeable, A-list actor and quite possibly a box-office draw in his or her self, don’t make them unrecognizable.

I forgot about it until I saw a trailer, which looked like the movie had some potential. Then Fangoria did a feature article on it, and it looked and sounded creepy as hell-and also interesting.  I started looking for other trailers – or better yet, a red band trailer.

Here’s the trailers for you–you tube had a “red band” trailer (though it doesn’t seem especially red band-y) and the regular one back-to-back.

Here’s the HD version:

Apparently, Clive Owen’s character has never seen a single scary movie in his life, because none of us horror fans say things like,” Don’t worry. It definitely won’t come back,”  let alone, “It’s over. The nightmare is finally ove–” CHOP

 Then again, I was positive Eight-Legged Freaks would be beyond awesome; it was a no-brainer. Instead, they managed to fuck up a giant spider movie… So I’m aware I might turn out to be wildly wrong about Intruders.

Here’s one or two of the recently-released new promo stills/art. I don’t know what type of promotion the second is for, but my closest guess is that the art (not a photo, but created by an artist, the old-fashioned pen and paper-way before Photoshop, vectors and more technology came along) to be used as a bonus on some upcoming Ultimate Collector’s Set as a special limited-edition bonus (perhaps as alternate DVD art, or a small poster).  I know one thing:  it’d make a better (not to mention much cooler) movie poster than what is basically the equivalent of a 2-D version of Audience Repellant they’re using now. Click the hyperlinks above to see them.

Finally, here’s the official press-kit plot description:

In Madrid, Juan (Izán Corchero) is a ferociously bright 8 year old who loves to tell stories. His mother, Luisa (Pilar Lopez de Ayala), worries that her son’s fertile imagination is fueling the vivid and increasingly alarming dreams that disrupt his sleep each night. But for Juan, the gruesome faceless creature that enters his bedroom in the dead hours is terrifyingly real.

In London, Mia (Ella Purnell), an 11 yeared-old girl on the brink of adolescence, discovers the power of storytelling as she captivates her classmates with a disturbing tale of a blank faced ghoul called Hollowface who tries to steal the features of children as he craves contact with the human world [awww, the guy’s lonely]. Mia, too, becomes convinced that her story has crossed over from the realms of imagination into reality and that she has unwittingly unleashed a malevolent force into the world…

I’d consider seeing Intruders with an unknown male lead (though Clive Owen is a nice bonus, giving me a little more interest in going to see the film) anyway, because,  AS OF THIS CURRENT WRITING****, I’m excited to see it now that I know more plot details –such as an “Urban Legend ad/or An Old Ghost Story (or Folk Myth) That’s Been Around for decades”. The star in question of Ye Olde Folktale is called “Hollow Face”. and I think his staple terrifying goal is stealing the faces of their victims, preferably children.

*A featured piece about Insidious, that is. Writing about this gem of a movie reminds me that Tarantino went on my movie-related shit list (at the bottom slot, but still on it) when he had the balls to put Insidious on his “Worst Movies of 2011” official list …over The fucking Green Hornet, and? AND! The Hangover Part 2. (full disclosure: Green Hornet and Hangover 2 are on his “Other Greatest” List, since he only has 11 “Top” slots). Leave it to Tarantino to refuse to edit himself or not know when to shut up. I might not be one to cast stones on the “never knowing when to shut up” peronality trait (especially when I get all excited and geek out), but even hardcore Tarantino fans will admit he can be annoyingly self-indulgent at times. I still dig him enough to call myself a fan …but not only putting Insidious on his “Worst of 2011 List” (perhaps because it was PG-13 and thus only allowed one “fuck” per entire movie, and Cretin Quentin Tarantino didn’t care for the fact no-one got shot in the face) All that while giving honors to The Green Hornet and Hangover 2? No amount of alcohol in your bloodstream could make either of those movies entertaining or amusing.

**and possibly the biggest jump in the movie; while the entire last act of Insidious scared the ever-loving shit out of me, and had some other big, big PG-13-rated haunted house movie-jumps (think Poltergeist) the first one I did NOT see coming.

*** there were two moments from the last act (set in the scariest attic shy of the one in the Saeki family residence) where I screamed like it was my JOB. I do some voice-over work now, but it’s pretty rinky-dink (I do it freelance, which means way less pay, and haven’t gotten around to seeking out an agency yet). I might as well been called to audition as a screamer and told: “this is a very high-profile movie, our female lead/final girl just can’t sell it.  Give me the best, most terrified, loudest scream you can and we’ll give you $1000,00, plus you’ll have a contract providing enough regular work to pay off your mortgage and retire in a few years. Now, on my count, three, two, one, GO FOR IT!”  I overheard a guy several rows and an entire section away muttering, “Jesus, lady!”  I knew both jumps were coming, too. Oh, and about the original REC, (made in Spain–they should have just released that one) another entire novella-length post is being crafted, as REC is not only one of the ten (maybe five) scariest horror movies I’ve seen in my life,  it was on of the few, few, very few horror movies to give me nightmares. The cliche kind where you half-sit up in bed suddenly, heart pounding, like they do in TV and movies when a character is having a dream get very scary. OK, I wasn’t panting and covered in sweat, and/or sitting bolt upright and gasping for air, but it was a low-key version of that. That  horrifying, blood-curdling, disturbing attic monster still makes a cameo appearances in my dreams from time to time. In fact, I felt my pulse quicken much more fan I prefer it to just pulling up the mental image of that tall, stringy, freakishly unevenly-long-limbed albino THING crashing around that pitch-black attic as seen through a night-vision lens. Yet oh dammit, I can’t resist adding this youtube slideshow of fairly unsettling unused concept art for the final monster. Only one image of the monster was used (I won’t tell you which one) along with one or two other images of the ‘infected’ from the film. Helpful Hint: if you are in an easily-creeped-out mood, hit “mute” on your keyboard.

But I digress (even more than usual.)

****then again, Eight-Legged Freaks seemed like it was so awesome it was a no-brainer.  Greenish toxic waste seeps into a river leading down to a local “Exotic Spider Farm/Museum”?  I am fuckin’ ON BOARD. 100% sold.  WHOA! Look at all the cool shit in the trailer! The lead-in! Oh AWESOME!

Do you hate spiders?  (beat)

Do you …REALLY hate spiders?  (beat)

Well…  (beat)

THEY DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER!

OH HELL YEAH! Looks like some practical effects mixed in, and the CGI sure as hell ain’t bad! How could this possibly not be the most–(sound of record needle being yanked off)

Instead, they managed to fuck up a giant spider movie. Who the hell fucks up a giant spider movie? How? WHY? I’m still resentful over a decade later …and yet I still remember the sweet, pure adrenaline rush I got when I saw the first full-length trailer online (that I then watched half a dozen times back-to-back before I even sent anyone the link to share it). I got almost as big of a rush re-watching it when I was grabbing the you tube link (I say ‘almost ‘because now I know that the movie didn’t exactly deliver on the roller-coaster promise of this initial trailer). Since I posted the trailer HERE I watched it another dozen times.

There’s a second trailer for 8LF that’s  twice as long  (after they decided to bump the Campy B-Movie-factor up several notches), but I still think the first is a hell of a lot more fun.

Here’s the initial one that made me lose my got-damed mind: Enjoy!

Oh Eight-Legged Freaks trailer, you had me at EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS! Especially when the hero yells it at the top of his lungs while blasting away at them as all hell breaks loose.

NSFW Clip of the Week

From Dusk till Dawn

According to the commentary, Mr. Cheech Marin actually did ad-lib 99% of this genius bit-all in one take (notice it’s a montage). I’d kill to see the uninterrupted take!

Another fun fact: there actually IS a club with this name.* It’s in Italy.  Here’s how I know!   I told my husband to try to get me a t-shirt when they play there.

*at least I hope they named the place for the club/bar in Dusk Till Dawn because they’re fans of the movie, and the place isn’t full of hungry naked vampires waiting for dinner.  Santanico Pandemonium,  you find some other band to eat!