Here’s Some Comic Relief! Read Orphan: The Abridged Script from Rod Hilton’s The Editing Room

I kept hearing how great this movie was, so I finally broke down and rented it from Netflix. It wasn’t that great. It wasn’t even that good,  actually. Instead, I should have just stuck to reading this “Abridged Script” from The Editing Room, because it’s much more entertaining (and doesn’t take 100 minutes of my time). Click the below image or the link to read. Enjoy!

Orphan: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.

Why the character dressed like this, is never explained.

 

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How Cool is THIS? Copy of Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion For Sale! (The Orange County Register)

Ooooh BABY!  The featured photo above isn’t from the Orange County Register re-press, but from a Huffington Post article on the sale of the home (on eBay!)  – by far the coolest pic I’ve seen of this rockin’ pad.

At the risk of sounding petty due to my envy, I have to say they’re doing the house a disservice by only having one slightly haunted room. Man, you have that kind of time and money to do this little side projects? Go ALL OUT.

You don’t need to have Doom Buggies installed to shuttle you from room to room (though I could live with that) and I know you can’t recreate the Disney holograms, but come on, if you’re going to go to all that trouble, construct a ‘stretching room’ and at least one hallway with transforming paintings on the walls.  Have your door chime play an abbreviated version of the chorus of “Grim Grinning Ghosts.” The place doesn’t have to look like it’s decaying, or be so dark you can’t walk across a room without tripping over something …but would having your dinner table be in a Grand Ballroom with a few holograms you designed yourself be so bad? You got that kind of bread, go to fucking town!

It’s located in Atlanta, too, so have kudzu vines around the exterior and make it look like a sturdier, cleaner version of the mansion from the classic Thriller episode “Pigeons From Hell“*  OK, you should have the place be more structurally sound than the PFH mansion, since  you probably won’t have much company in the place if it has vermin and it’s rickety enough inside you’re worried the grand staircase won’t hold you.

Get one of those pipe organs for the Ballroom. Hey, fun fact: the one at Disneyland Anaheim Haunted Mansion was the actual pipe organ used in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Yeah, I’m a Disneyland –classic Disneyland you know, Pirates of the Caribbean, Jetsons-era Tomrrowland, The Enchanted Tiki Room, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride–geek; the hardcore, loyalist type who becomes enraged about older rides being “updated” or tweaked, and who actually goes through the stages of grieving when I hear about a beloved ride or attraction being shut down despite all the letters, petitions, and emails to save it. But that’s a story for another piece.

Honestly, until a day or two after I posted this, I hadn’t read the captions for the eight photos included with the article, and there’s only one exterior of this new place. The remainder of exterior photos consist of the actual Disneyland New Orléans Square attraction. I’d been thinking, “great detail, they have the Disneyland Haunted Hearse outside, and looks like people must line up to see it on Halloween!” Those are of the real thing (I was going on zero sleep due to jury duty at the time, and not exactly detail-oriented). To the owner’s credit, they did include a plaque outside their gate just like the real one:

This is the replica of the plaque, from the “replica house” now on the market.

Now that’s not too shabby. Look for a couple more pieces from Horror Boom on The Haunted Mansion (Halloween season seems like great timing), including some cool links. If I wrote full-time from now to Halloween, there’s no way I could completely do that Disneyland attraction justice, and there’s some sites out there with such loving attention to every cool detail that they simply cannot be missed. Here’s a Disney version of Grim Grinning Ghosts originally aired on a Halloween special that takes place at a “swinging wake”…that’s one catchy-ass song!

Copy of Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion for sale – The Orange County Register.

Until then, mind if we… HITCH A RIDE?

We want a framed copy of this poster! Should have picked a copy up at the gift shop, but we couldn’t figure out a way to get it in our luggage without crumpling it up.

*if you’re not familiar with “Pigeons From Hell”, it’s  way  scarier than it sounds. It took me literally over 20 years to finally see from the time I first read about it in the early 80s in Stephen King’s first non-fiction title Dansé Macabre  to the time I found it on iTunes to buy the single episode. Not because I was too scared to, but because it was hard to find, plus there was a HORROR BOOM! kicking off in the early 80s that distracted me with so much other kick-ass horror movies, books, TV shows and even comics that my schedule got crowded and I could barely keep up with the new stuff, let alone stuff from the 60s besides Night of The Living Dead.  Do yourself a favor if you’re unfamiliar;  PLEASE go in as clean as possible! All you need to know is it’s a very frightening Southern Gothic tale (filmed in black and white, introduced by Boris Karloff) that takes place in the early 60s. I can reveal that the titular pigeons are the SO least of the character’s problems, though.

The Creepy Merryville Brothers (on SNL) Wish You a Happy Halloween!

Unfortunately I can’t embed this, but it’s worth watching. If you haven’t seen the “Merryville Brothers” skits on Saturday Night LiveScreencrush.com describes them pretty well in their story about Tom Hanks making a surprise cameo on SNL last Saturday (their Halloween episode):

The sketch begins with the welcome return of the creepy/hilarious animatronic figures known as the “Merryville Brothers” and initially follows the format of their previous appearance in almost every way. A couple  finds themselves stranded in an amusement park haunted house, right next to the those creepy robots who grow increasingly threatening every time they’re activated. Even without its big celebrity cameo, the entire scene is still fantastic — we could watch the terrible/amazing pantomiming of the Merryville Brothers all day.

Yes! I agree. I cracked up the first time I saw them (could have sworn this was the third time they appeared, not the second) when Jim Carrey hosted, he was funny but Bill Hader‘s face was what made my husband and I started laughing so hard we almost had tears rolling down our faces. For the Bruno Mars-hosted Halloween episode, he (my husband, not Bruno Mars) fell asleep between the opening and the first sketch, and he sleeps like a log. However,  I was howling with laughter so loud it actually woke him up. He squinted at the screen, said, “Oh yeah, those ride guys again,” and fell back to sleep (he says he doesn’t remember).

So, in the holiday spirit (and for a good laugh), click here to watch the Halloween Merryville Brothers sketch on Hulu!

You don’t need to be a member, just watch– though if you’re on your iPhone, it might not be compatible, but it’s you can still watch it online.  Not a good idea to throw popcorn at them if you get bored. “Why did you do that? They’re gonna get mad!”  I like the “Grim Grinning Ghosts“-type vocals (‘GGG’ is the theme song they play towards the end of the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland, when you’re going through the graveyard and seeing the swinging wake with the singing busts, the terrified caretaker, etc.)* Wanna hear it for comparison? Watch THIS more up-tempo “classic” version below! It makes me want to grab my suitcase and freakin’ RUN to hop on the nearest plane to Disneyland.

 

Plus, when I was trying to find the name of the brothers, I found this really funny Facebook page someone put up for them.   Nice! Let’s hope they show up again this season.

Ting!

*I’d purchase that song if I saw it on iTunes, DAMN I love The Haunted Mansion! The version I posted isn’t even the most elaborate and awesome, either. There’s a ton of ones that light you up even more. Saving those for a later post!

 

Why I’ll Be Waiting Until Daylight Before “Scariest Japanese Urban Legend of The Month” Goes Up Here

This was actually going to be a post for “Scariest Japanese Urban Legend of the Month”, but I scared the shit out of myself just researching it at 3AM. I figured oh, it’s not going to be that scary, because I bet I’ve already heard of it. Whoop-de-doo.  Twenty minutes into researching the legend of “Hikiko” I heard something heavy and loud fall on the (hardwood) floor in the kitchen and almost had a goddamned heart attack. Figured one of the cats wanted attention, because it turned out to be a giant plastic binder clip that one of them pushed off when I went out to look.  I calmed down and then researched more–bad idea when there’s a windy rainstorm outside. All I needed was thunder and lightning.

I was already realizing 1. I should probably stop and write something else for tonight, as the research just kept getting creepier and 2. I was going to have to write about it when it was light out if I wanted to fall asleep while it was still dark, when I heard something else fall off the kitchen counter (not as loudly). I went out hesitantly and saw an empty Dansani water bottle had fallen and was rolling slowly on the floor. Then I realized both cats were asleep in the other room.

At this point, I would just like to thank whoever is in charge up there for the gift of a very patient husband, who woke up when I asked him to and demonstrated how it was a draft, not something freaky and supernatural that blew it off the counter. Thank you.

Laugh all you want! Just imagine watching THIS (below) with the sound on, after dark, and hearing sudden strange noises down the dark hall from your room:

Plus, this is just a snippet of a longer video about the legend I’m going to post, too, and I had to turn the sound down ten minutes in. After that I decided to bookmark it and try to pretend I hadn’t seen it until the sun came out. The first bookmark tag I used was “scary as fuck.”

OK, back to what I was doing…

Here’s 13 Essential Tools for Surviving a Zombie Outbreak…

Hey, I had to post something  in consideration of the fact that The Walking Dead Season Three premiere, titled “Seed”, is less than 24 hours away– now with 100% more MICHONNE!

Yep, it’s good to have moleskin on hand, but in my book, I’d take one blister over ten zombies (see the statement that “One Blister Is More Dangerous To You Than Ten Zombies” in the guide below). Unless the blister was caused by stepping on a zombie’s mouth in your bare feet (or you’re such an idiot that you don’t pay attention to it until your foot is rotting off with gangrene, in which case you probably weren’t going to make it long anyway with such shitty survival skills and no common sense), that’d be SO the least of your problems if ten zombies shamble up to you. What’s the worst thing that can happen with a blister without moleskin? It’ll get infected, and I’ll have to use the hydrogen peroxide I’d carry with me in my little first aid I keep in my glove compartment even when the zombie apocalypse hasn’t happened? How is that more dangerous than ten hungry zombies? Worst case, you drain it and put a band-aid over the blister.

Worst case with ten zombies, though? Oh, I don’t know, maybe if they corner or outnumber you when you’re alone and out of bullets, they rip into with their bloodthirsty, decayed, zombie-virus-carrying mouths and teeth, and end up awkwardly pulling you apart, as you slowly die watching them eat your insides, then you come back as a zombie who’ll never get any food because your brain wasn’t destroyed and you’re just a rotting torso making horrible noises, THEN the best case scenario is some compassionate human with a loaded gun or a heavy/sharp tool stumbles over your pathetic, weakly flailing upper half and feels sorry enough for you that they shoot you in the head and put you out of your misery. But God forbid you if have a blister!   Don’t worry about those ten zombies, they’re not as dangerous.  Take care of that blister and apply the moleskin immediately, that’s your top priority. Then you can worry about ending up like “Bicycle Girl,” or some having a pack of cruel, bored human survivors see what happens if they cut off your head and put it on a stick for entertainment, bounce empty beer cans off your forehead, and laugh when you make pathetic attempts to bite them when they hold their hands just out of reach of your mouth. A sore on your foot would be much worse, though!

I’m just kidding.  Either way,  I still thought this was creative on REI’s part, so enjoy this entertaining piece from The Blackened Skull. Their blog rocks. I love the fact that  Dead Alive  is on the “Zombie Research Materials” list. Someone in REI’s marketing department knows their zombie movies!

10/15/12 UPDATE! Here’s the link to watch the (fast-paced and gory as hell) Walking Dead Season 3 Premiere, “Seed”, on AMCTV.com.  It’s only available until Halloween, though.

Blackened Skull

13 Essential Tools for Surviving a Zombie Outbreak

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18 More Days Till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween… October Update!

Wow, I’m going to really have to step up my game. Halloween is coming up sooner than I thought!  I’m going to post every day, I know that. I’ve had lots of ideas for the month of October. Yeah, it took me a couple weeks to realize we were well into October—hey, every month is sorta Halloween when you’re a horror fan!*  Then October shows up and kicks the fucking door open.  I love all the horror releases this time of year. Plus, we’re seeing  Sinister  at some point over the weekend, which I’ve heard nothing but good things about. Trying not to get my hopes too high, I just want to see a decent horror movie in a full theater –especially one that earns a couple genuine screams.

Here’s how that came to happen.  A friend comped us tickets for a Patton Oswalt  show at a semi-local casino, which was already a great night. I played a nickel slot machine—oh yeah, I’m a REAL high roller when I’m broke. While we were waiting my for last comped drink, I told my husband (not for the first time this week, either), “GOD I want to see Sinister,  it got really, really good reviews,” not really expecting him to go for it when money is so tight.

Him: Nope, we can’t.
Me: But it’s not found footage.
Him: It got two and a half stars in the Seattle Times.
Me:  Yeah? Did  [name of reviewer who I tend to dislike for reasons I’m not going to go into here, redacted] review it?
Him:  (shakes head “no”)
Me:  Because [redacted] hates horror movies. I don’t give a fuck what [redacted] says.
Him:  Not going to happen.
Me:  I can’t see it by myself, I know I’m going to scream a couple of times and that’s, like, really embarrassing when you’re sitting alone, even if you’re a chick.
Him:  (I can’t remember, I’d had three comped lemon martinis and was feeling no pain, probably him patiently explaining to me again why we can’t).
Me:  OK, not to jinx it, if I win enough to pay for the tickets for us?  Then  we’re going.
Him:  (sighs)

Full of confidence and comped drinks, I picked a slot machine called “Haunted House”. Yep, that’s where I’m sitting till I lose my money.   Twenty minutes later, I won enough to go see Sinister Woooo!   I was waving my arms around like Kermit The Frog after he introduces a guest on The Muppet Show and hugging everyone I knew. My ecstatic reaction wasn’t due so much to the fact that it was the first time in my life I actually came out a little ahead on a slot machine (though they were probably thinking ‘that’s not a big enough win to get that excited about’) but because I wouldn’t have to wait for Sinister  to show up on DVD in six months. OK, and those fine comped lemon martinis contributed some to that reaction, too.

Back to Halloween, I was thinking of posting one scary movie review a day, then one very scary short a day, but I’ve been searching around and saving all the most frightening horror shorts over the last couple months,  and so far I’ve only got a dozen or so good enough and scary enough to post. I don’t want to use them all up in a row, then have the rest of the year be boring. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, and I’m hoping I can apply myself enough to write a recap/review of American Horror Story: Asylum every week. Oh, and Halloween weekend–or on Halloween if I can get the timing right– I’ll post the scariest J-horror short of the month, if not the year.

Heads Up!

Heads up! It’s that time of year again!

Also, I’m either going to put up a FAQ page or a Q&A page to the site. I look at the WordPress dashboard when I check my stats every day to see what Google search terms were used, and while some of them are really disturbing— “free snuff movie real blood” —is one of the ones that makes me glad I coughed up a little extra money to stay mostly anonymous on the blog— other are questions I instantly know the answers to.  Here’s an example.  Search term: who ripped off yokos jaw in grudge.  Kayako Saeki, in the attic!   Search term: what are some fuckedup scary movies from france  Answer: Frontier/s, Martyrs, and Inside to start. Don’t watch them all in a row, or even on concurrent nights, though…

Anyway, if you want to see more of something, tell me. I’ll post a poll later. Thanks to every single person who has checked out the site when I told them about it, ANYONE who has left a comment, and you know what? Thanks to every single person who has been here (especially regularly –I hate to sound sappy, but it always makes me smile, even on a shitty day).  Plus, if you have a question —pretty much ANY question— about a horror movie,** I’m your online go-to woman!

Oh yeah,  I almost forgot the point of this post— Horror Boom is now on Facebook (under “Horror Boom”, with the explode-y vector that’s the featured image of this post, plus the monster-hand-in-the-popcorn-box photo below. You’ll know it when you see it. If you’re on Facebook and want to give Horror Boom a ‘like’, it’d be really cool of you and appreciated. Right now there’s three likes, and one is my brother  (thanks bro, I know you’re not a horror fan). If you hate Facebook and don’t want anything to do with it, I totally understand and certainly would not even consider asking you to join just to like Horror Boom. Just saying, if you’re already there and have a minute, please check it out. Thanks to Andrew for the first like, by the way. All you guys rock!

Scariest Short Horror Movie of the Week will be posted soon…

*Especially these election year Halloweens!
**or horror-related book, or comic, or icon, or TV series, or …okay, you get the idea.

The Possession: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room

From all the word-of-mouth I’ve heard, the movie is about as scary as this Abridged Script. Sure am glad I waited for the DVD (if that)! If you want to see the movie roasted, here’s a great piece to read…  and if you like it, I highly recommend The Editing Room website, and signing up for Twitter updates from Rod Hilton  (who had me hooked back in 1999 with the abridged Phantom Menace script).

 

The Possession: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room.

Ten F*cked-up Things That Happen on “Sons of Anarchy” (FX Networks)

This Spring, I happened across an article– wish I could remember where, possibly Vulture— titled, “Ten F*cked-up Things That Happen in The Hunger Games“. That’s actually a good idea, I thought (after I purchased a used copy of the book online immediately after I finished reading the piece). I’ll point out some really disturbing things that have happened on TV dramas that are in no way labelled horror, but probably pretty horrible as described to anyone reading (even if they watch the show).  I had one written for “Ten Fucked-up Things That Happen on Nip/Tuck” (that one was pretty easy) and before that, “Ten Fucked-up things That Happen on Spartacus“.

The latter is on hold –but only temporarily–because I can’t find the goddamned document on my hard drive, even though I made a back-up copy, and the Nip/Tuck list I plan to save until closer to the American Horror Story: Asylum  premiere date, since Ryan Murphy created both of them. I’m definitely working for one on The Shield, then there’s HBO’s The Wire and Oz. Also Boardwalk Empire and definitely Deadwood. But since Kurt Sutter‘s biker outlaw crime drama Sons of Anarchy has its fifth season premiere this Tuesday the 11th (on FX, the only basic cable network that’d let Sons of Anarchy, The Shield, and Nip/Tuck  get away with some real jaw-droppers), I figured there was no time like the present.

Yup, Stephen King himself (a big fan of the show) got a cameo as a ‘Cleaner’ (you know, the kind who gets rid of an inconvenient body that needs to vanish 100% –that guy.). He was a real scream. Even Gemma and Tig thought he was kind of creepy. Scroll down a little for an update.

9/24/12 Update: I’ve been asked for the 411 on King’s guest appearance. His character is named Bachmann (raise your hand if you can guess what his character’s first name is …yeah, I know). He was in the episode “Caregiver” (one of those patented Sutter episode titles that becomes sickly ironic after you watch the episode and get the double meaning), from Season 3, episode 3.  Every review and plenty of fan comments I read just destroyed  his cameo– most bitched that it was self-indulgent and unnecessary. Aw, lighten up, critics.  Didn’t have a problem with it, myself–it was brief, he only had a few lines, and was appropriately quiet, professional, and sociopathic.   I’ve seen way stupider things on SOA, and King’s guest appearance wouldn’t even make my top twenty list of complaints. Here’s the link I finally scraped up for you to watch his brief scenes …enjoy!

This was another list where I didn’t exactly have to dig deep to remember horrifying, revolting, and/or shocking things that happened …so far. I tried to not get too graphic, but you’ve been warned: Kurt Sutter is a talented guy, but I learned from watching The Shield that he can come up with some INCREDIBLY fucked-up material. He wrote or co-wrote lots of the really dark, twisted Shield episodes. So here’s Ten Fucked Up Things That Happen on Sons of Anarchy, in no order of importance. I had to leave a few out because they were exceptionally nasty. I’m not going near some of the things that happen in/around the porn studio the SOA buy into as ‘legit’ income, club members in jail, or the club member named “Happy”, who is a little too happy to help when someone unfortunate enough to be on the club’s bad side needs torturing because they won’t give up intel. That character makes Tig seem  like warm, fuzzy boyfriend material.

Ten Fucked-up Things That Happen on Sons of Anarchy

1.  An Irish biker gives a man who betrayed him a “Glasgow Smile” as retribution (if you don’t know what a Glasgow Smile is, look it up, I’m not describing it here), then uses the same curvy blades to kill him.*

2. The mayor has a major land deal destroyed when, during official proceedings to finalize it, a cop walks in and reveals the silent partner supplying all the funds was the #1 maker of adult toys in Japan (and dumps a large grocery bag full of them on the table as visual aids) which include “real dolls” (look that one up too) …of  what he calls (and displays a real doll of) “Sum Yung Boy” for, as he puts it, “the discerning pedophile”.  End of that  land deal, since this appeared to be a wholesome Town Hall meeting.

Clay:  What kinda nasty shit did your mother do to you?
Tig:  (honestly confused) What do you mean?

3.  A woman and a man have passionate make-up sex …maybe two yards away from the bloody body of an ATF agent they just shot to death less than five minutes ago (in self-defense, to be fair, long story). They pan from the intense sex, to the lover’s hastily-discarded clothing on the bedroom floor …over to the dead-as-a-doornail ATF agent, blood spreading from an already-large pool under his head.

4.  A compulsive masturbator (Chuckie) who gets caught stealing from the Asian mob has all his fingers (except for one index finger, so he can ‘still use an adding machine’) and thumbs cut off as payback (Hey, don’t look at me, I’s just documenting this!) **

5. A woman holds a loaded gun to an infant’s head in front of a room full of midwives and nuns (only as a negotiating tactic …I hope).

6.  A powerful local businessman’s 13-year-old daughter is raped (offscreen) by a carnival clown (Episode Title: “Funhouse”)…

7. …and after the bike club catches him and fucks him up, they cut his nuts off (the clown’s, not the father’s), let him bleed out, and later stuffs his junk in a mailing envelope, mailing them to the politician’s home address  to remind him he ‘owes them one’.

8.  An ex-member of the bike club shows up back in town, but was supposed to have had the giant SOA back tattoo all the club members get when they formally are voted in either REMOVED, or at least keep his shirt on and not flash it around (which he does, at a high-profile charity event in town).  Surprise surprise, that doesn’t go so fucking well, and they chain him up in their auto-body repair shop and give him the choice of having it removed by knife or blowtorch. He picks blowtorch, and afterwards the club dumps him out of the back of their van in front of the ER (and none too gently).

And for the last two slots on the list, here’s a two-parter:

9.  In an episode titled, “Family Recipe,” a rival drug cartel (after performing a drive-by shooting with automatic weapons at SAMCRO headquarters) drops off a duffel bag before they split. When it’s unzipped, it reveals FOUR fly-blown severed heads, including the leader of a Latin gang. As everyone scrambles to get rid of the evidence…

10. …A couple local cops show up unexpectedly. Thinking fast, Chuckie (see Fucked-Up Thing #4) stows the last severed head in a biiiiiiiig pot of spicy chili cooking on the stove for a fundraiser that night!  Take a wild guess on what the two cops are hungry for a bowl of once they smell it cooking, and where the chili in the bowls comes from?

Here’s some bonus dialogue that came in episode two, after the 90-minute pilot episode aired, and keep in mind this was the ‘cold open’, before the credits:

After a mother and her underage, teenage daughter’s corpses had to be disposed of in the pilot episode (I don’t remember the exact details, and the club didn’t intentionally kill them, but the guys found the bodies and they were in grisly condition: “They died hidin’ from that fire, man.”):

Tig Trager:  I, uh, gotta tell you something, man, it could be bad.
Clay Morrow: It already is.
Tig Trager: Those two dead Mexicans in the warehouse hole… I was hittin’ them.
Clay Morrow: Oh Jesus Christ. Both of them?
Tig : Oh yeah, yeah. Kind of a taco two-fer thing.

Then THIS dialogue transpired:

Clay: Tell me one of them doesn’t have a belly full of Tig juice.
Tig:  Yeah, they both do.
Clay: Jesus Christ. We’re in trouble, shithead, you are in the DNA database… so what, you think you’re just gonna stroll outta there with two dead Mexi whores draped over your shoulders?
Tig:  (very calm and casual) I’ll gut them dead bitches, then I’ll flush their bellies with bleach, no DNA.

Causing Clay, arguable the most evil male lead currently on the show, to pause, appalled, then ask him with disgust:
Clay:  What kinda nasty shit did your mother do to you?
Tig:  (honestly confused) What do you mean?

I remember my jaw just dropping in shock at the time; what he was saying was horrible, but the casual, ‘just another day at the office’ tone he said it in was much worse. Then another surprise when Tig said a prayer respectfully when the bodies of the Mexican woman and her daughter were “cremated” unofficially later by the club. During seasons three and four, Tig’s words and actions showed that he wasn’t a total sociopath and that he was capable of love for his two teenage daughters. What cinched it for me was that it was revealed he still carried a photo in his wallet with “My girl, Missy” hand-written carefully on the back.  When he turned the photo side up, it was revealed that Missy was a pet dog he lost under some tragic circumstances and missed every day. The latter reveal shocked me even more than the lines above; now that is some great writing and acting.

Oh yeah, some REALLY charming things go down every episode in Charming, California.

Awwww! And such charming things happen every week in the quaint little town of Charming, California!

I almost saved a slot from an as-yet unknown hideous event that happens to a club member during the Tuesday season five premiere, one that TV Line’s Michael Ausillo called “ghastly”. However, I want to post this before the S5 premiere. I have some guesses, but I’m not going to speculate at this point —you’ve read enough fucked-up things that happen on Sons of Anarchy for one day!

Finally, here’s a montage of some dirty dirty sex ‘love scenes’ and filthy dialogue from Seasons 1-3. that I’m going to go out on a limb here and say is probably NSFW. If you haven’t watched the show before, this will give you an idea of just how wholesome Kurt Sutter can be. Enjoy!

*Trivia: Tommy Flanagan, the amazing Scottish-born actor who plays the character, has scars on his face due to being given an actual Glasgow smile (see Wikipedia) after he was jumped by a couple of thugs in Scotland while just minding his own business, and at the time had been training to be an actor. The fact that his face was scarred was even more upsetting to him as he thought that now would never be able to get an acting job. To the contrary, his friends supported him during his recovery and the casting calls and roles finally became steady.

**A season or two later, Gemma breaks down and finally gets Chuckie some prosthetics  (“I bought him fingers.  Those freaky little nubs were freaking me out.”)

Happy B-day, Alexander Skarsgård – Now THAT’S How You Play a Vampire!

…vampires should not ‘sparkle’ when exposed to daylight, for Chrissake! Nope, real vampires quickly start smouldering and burst into flames.

God, I can’t stand sensitive, candy-ass Twilight-style vampires. I like my vamps bloodthirsty and brutal as hell when they want to, or when hungry. From the bad-ass Hooker Clan in Kathryn Bigalow’s ground-breaking gem Near Dark (1987), to Eli in Let the Right One In (2008, though I have to admit that the 2010 American remake was good, and didn’t ruin the original),  to Eric Northman from the HBO series True Blood, played by one Alexander Skarsgård.  I was only going to post something about him turning 36 today if I could find this specific clip,  where he literally rips someone apart with his bare hands (the cracker in question had been asking for it for weeks)… and lookee here!  This was when his character stopped being somewhat boring for me, and I began to understand why he was nearly every female True Blood fan’s favorite character*.

All vamps need to do this periodically – they ARE monsters, not caring, sharing pussies you barely ever see drop fangs, let alone use them. And if they get pissed off enough at other vampires, even their bosses, well…

Also, vampires should not sparkle when exposed to daylight, for Chrissake! Nope, real vampires quickly start smouldering and burst into flames. When they get staked, or otherwise killed, it makes a horrible, very hard-to-clean-up mess.  This rant is coming from a gigantic Buffy and Angel fan, too. At least on those shows, when it was light out and it was an emergency to get somewhere, they could cover up with a thick blanket and run really fast, but they’d still start smoking. Angel tried to do the right thing (when he had his soul) but even then, he had no problem kicking ass and killing people and other vamps when they needed to die. Spike sure enthusiastically fucked up plenty of people who got in his way ( or sometimes just in the wrong place at the wrong time) and loved every minute of it. They still sure as hell preferred human blood to animal blood. Real vampires also need invitations to enter a private human residence. Not to mention, none of them could impregnate humans.  Noble, broody vamps trying to make up for evil shit they did they did to humans in the past got played out for me a while ago. Come on!  Where’s the fun in that? Anyway, happy 36th birthday greetings to Mr. Skarsgård, who always gets vampires right. Stay vicious, Viking!

*he’s not my favorite character on HBO’s True Blood, but I can definitely see where they’re coming from.

Happy Birthday to Anthony Anderson

Being a huge fan of The Shield, when someone brings up Anthony Anderson, I usually think of Antwon Mitchell. Then I remember all the scenes with him and Kevin Hart from Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4.  Someone on You Tube was cool enough to compile the ones from Scary Movie 3 here…

 

 

Wait, man. you can’t go to bed dead, man, that shit would be redundant!

Happy Birthday Mr. Anderson …I hope you show up in Scary Movie 5!