2013 April 18 « HORROR BOOM

Ok, first up, we’re sprinkling quotes from the IMDB from Scary Movie 5 (AKA Scary MoVie- see what they did there?) throughout, in case you are still tempted to see the movie just for some snappy dialogue. This includes knowing where they used up their PG-13 allowed ONE use of “fuck”. You’ll thank us later, when you hear from someone who works at a movie theater telling you how many people walked out and asked for refunds (which were given). Actual dialogue from the prologue of the movie:

Lindsay Lohan: I don’t want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private… wait, what are all these?

Charlie Sheen: Oh, just some movies I rented.

Lindsay Lohan: Me and Brandy, missionary?

Charlie Sheen: A tale of two girls who become nuns.

Lindsay Lohan: And what are all those?

Charlie Sheen: Oh, it’s just your standard home security setup, basic run of the mill.

Lindsay Lohan: And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?

Charlie Sheen: In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes.

AAAAAHHAAAHAHAHA! Whoo! That’s some funny shit right there. We’re still holding our sides, tomorrow we might have hoarse voices from so much raucous laughter!

Movie Spoiler for the film – SCARY MOVIE 5.

Click the big red link above to read a total, complete plot spoiler for Scary Movie 5 from start to finish. The movie has been met with in-your-face total hatred by critics and fans alike. It’s lazy, none of the cast members came back except Simon Rex, the male lead from the last two movies (who is funny, or had his moments in the last two), but can’t save this sloppy excuse for a box office weekend flash sale. The phrase “franchise ender” has been coming up quite frequently across the board.

Christian Grey: How do you like my blue room?

Jody Campbell: It’s red.

Christian Grey: Oh. I’m color blind, my decorator assured me… never mind.

Keep in mind: this utter disgust is coming from someone who OWNS Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, and Scary Movie 3 (that last one we got used for $2.99, in our defense, and with all the Grudge/J-horror spoofs/in-jokes it was worth it. Oh, and we saw Scary Movie in a PACKED theater who roared through the whole thing (including both of us–and certain bits still make us giggle)…

AND a Scary Movie 2 matinée in a not-so-packed theater. Maybe 50 patrons, tops. James Woods was hilarious (the prologue with The Exorcist spoof got the biggest laughs, along with the bit involving a bag over a head and Marlon Wayans), David Cross was as funny as the material let him be (some of his funniest scenes ended up in the DVD “additional scenes”), but most of the time we were distracted by how much filth, nasty sights (such as on-screen blow jobs—among other things) that the Wayans brothers somehow slipped by the MPAA. You should see the deleted scenes on the DVD, which I’m not even going to describe here. We both think the NC-17 ones were stuck in so they could get away with the stuff in the R-Rated version, including (highlight to read, due to level of offensiveness) David Cross’ character giving himself a sloppy blowjob, Tori Spelling getting banged across the room by an invisible ghost (think ‘The Entity‘ if it had an X-rating and for some reason the lead character was very horny for the Entity, not to mention very athletic) and Shawn Wayons being attacked by the poltergeist clown puppet and ending up forcing himself on it, and pulling the clown under the bed with his dick while it (the clown) screams for dear life. BLEH.-there was this sort of uncomfortable silence in the theater even among the rowdiest patrons until the scene was over.. Oh, and a graphic handjob where gallons of, er, the white stuff they got away with showing in the original hitting a window and run down , hiding it. OK, enough on that, you get the idea.Also, the whole gag with Tim Curry‘s character reveal long, long, chewed-up, disgusting nipples was really uncalled for. Maybe he’s being a good sport, but COME ON, let him, (and his fans, especially those who still worship him as Dr. Furter) keep some semblance of dignity.

So there’s that. The series should have stayed R-rated with the Wayans brothers in the loop.

Snoop Dogg: When we get this reward, we gonna get ourselves a boat, some bitches and a shark-

Mac Miller: Why are we gonna need a shark?

Snoop Dogg: We just gon’ need one.

Nope, we don’t feel guilty at all on spoiling and roasting this one- they’re not even fucking trying. Save your money for a movie that DOES! Like, oh, The Evil Dead remake. You’ll get your money’s worth and won’t hate yourself before you even get halfway through the movie. Deal?