Happy B-day, Alexander Skarsgård – Now THAT’S How You Play a Vampire!

…vampires should not ‘sparkle’ when exposed to daylight, for Chrissake! Nope, real vampires quickly start smouldering and burst into flames.

God, I can’t stand sensitive, candy-ass Twilight-style vampires. I like my vamps bloodthirsty and brutal as hell when they want to, or when hungry. From the bad-ass Hooker Clan in Kathryn Bigalow’s ground-breaking gem Near Dark (1987), to Eli in Let the Right One In (2008, though I have to admit that the 2010 American remake was good, and didn’t ruin the original), to Eric Northman from the HBO series True Blood, played by one Alexander Skarsgård. I was only going to post something about him turning 36 today if I could find this specific clip, where he literally rips someone apart with his bare hands (the cracker in question had been asking for it for weeks)… and lookee here! This was when his character stopped being somewhat boring for me, and I began to understand why he was nearly every female True Blood fan’s favorite character*.

All vamps need to do this periodically – they ARE monsters, not caring, sharing pussies you barely ever see drop fangs, let alone use them. And if they get pissed off enough at other vampires, even their bosses, well…

Also, vampires should not sparkle when exposed to daylight, for Chrissake! Nope, real vampires quickly start smouldering and burst into flames. When they get staked, or otherwise killed, it makes a horrible, very hard-to-clean-up mess. This rant is coming from a gigantic Buffy and Angel fan, too. At least on those shows, when it was light out and it was an emergency to get somewhere, they could cover up with a thick blanket and run really fast, but they’d still start smoking. Angel tried to do the right thing (when he had his soul) but even then, he had no problem kicking ass and killing people and other vamps when they needed to die. Spike sure enthusiastically fucked up plenty of people who got in his way ( or sometimes just in the wrong place at the wrong time) and loved every minute of it. They still sure as hell preferred human blood to animal blood. Real vampires also need invitations to enter a private human residence. Not to mention, none of them could impregnate humans. Noble, broody vamps trying to make up for evil shit they did they did to humans in the past got played out for me a while ago. Come on! Where’s the fun in that? Anyway, happy 36th birthday greetings to Mr. Skarsgård, who always gets vampires right. Stay vicious, Viking!

*he’s not my favorite character on HBO’s True Blood, but I can definitely see where they’re coming from.