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New “Scary Movie 5″ Trailer, Poster Hastily Spoofs “Mama” and “The Evil Dead” – Glance At/See Parodies Here

Besides the fact that this is the first in the “Scary Movie” series to not only omit Anna Farris (she had a good ‘out’ at the time, pregnancy), other cast members from the previous films, like Regina Hall, Kevin Hart and Anthony Anderson were offered roles but opted not to return. RED FLAG! (or rather YET ANOTHER RED FLAG!) This is the only film in the entire Scary Movie franchise that does not feature any main characters from the previous films, Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris) or Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall). Now that  we’ve effectively driven anyone away toying with the idea of seeing this in the theater (we doubt you were there to start with), we also noticed some very familiar scenes parodied in the second theatrical trailer (released about a week ago).

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Turns out, additional footage recordings and reshoots occurred between January and February, 2013 with ADR sessions taking part in March. This trailer wisely takes focus off The Black Swan (the recent target audience for the Scary Movie franchise doesn’t have that long of a memory) and focuses a little less on the Paranormal Activity series. The “Inception” bit is still there and they even tossed in a bizarre Fifty Shades of Grey (not a scary movie, not even a movie yet) spoof with Jerry O’Connell listed in the IMDB credits as Christian Grey, and added Mike Tyson to that whole mix (FOOTBALL FIELDS OF RED FLAGS). Actually, there’s WAY worse Tyson, Lindsey Lohan, and Charlie Sheen in the movie (two words: Big Angie).
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BUT, the Mama spoofs in the trailer were amusing if you’ve seen the commercial and/or the movie (they had those TV spots for Mama on pretty heavy rotation, even we were sick of them). It looks like all they had time for to parody from The Evil Dead (2013) were the trailers (you’ll see).  Oh, and when I say “amusing”, I’m not counting the toilet humor. Maybe when it’s on Netflix streaming, we’ll take a look, but just to see Snoop Dogg/Lion in the Mama parody. Check out the new trailer below…
Also, the new poster art features Evil Dead and Mama prominently, with her long skinny arms reaching around the cast while Snoop exhales weed in her ugly face:
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Scary Movie 5 opens Friday, April 12th. Wheeeeeee.
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Uh… For What It’s Worth, “Evil Dead 2 Remake and Army of Darkness 2 Will Lead to Evil Dead 7!” (MovieWeb).com

Yeah, we’ll take this with a grain of salt, but for what it’s worth, they did actually say this; click on the big red link to all the details. Not trying to be negative, we’ve just seen and heard Bruce Campbell‘s reactions whenever someone brings up revisiting the role of Ash onscreen again (note: this is not his favorite question to be asked). Plus, director Fede Alverez seems extremely confident and enthusiastic, and after seeing the flick, I’d love to see something else he wrote and directed… especially a sequel to this gory roller-coaster (adult) funhouse ride.

Evil Dead 2 Remake and Army of Darkness 2 Will Lead to Evil Dead 7! – MovieWeb.com.

 

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This scene takes place BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS, to give you an idea of how hardcore this awesome flick is.

We saw the movie tonight (well, Thursday night, 10PM) and had a fucking blast, by the way! They even gave out college-ruled notebooks, the kind we both love to jot down notes in, with an Evil Dead logo on the cover.  See it with a big crowd – and we advise NOT having a snack unless you can finish it by the time the movie starts. Though, if you haven’t eaten yet and have a medium-to-strong stomach, there’s a good ten minutes+ of calm after the opening credits. The pre-title sequence contains the scene in the trailer of the young lady/Deadite being burned alive–one of the film’s very, very few non-practical shots. When the five lead characters start wondering aloud where that horrible smell inside the cabin is coming from,  that’s a good time to save the rest of your snack for after the movie.

We especially recommend avoiding any snack that is warm and was alive at one point. Not to be PC, either… you’ll understand.  More on our experience AND the movie later.  Oh, and advise any fellow horror fans you happened to strike up a friendly conversation with to stay after the end credits!  I, in fact, told everyone leaving when the credits had started they should stay. They all took me up on it except some very pale girl who looked like she was about to throw up or faint.

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You May Want To Stay Seated For “This Is The End” Official Red Band Trailer (Summer 2013)

Still trying to find the “semi-gory” shots that EW.com was talking about. Meanwhile, this is still pretty funny!

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The comedy This Is The End follows six friends trapped in a house after a series of strange and catastrophic events devastate Los Angeles. As the world unravels outside, dwindling supplies and cabin fever threaten to tear apart the friendships inside. Eventually, they are forced to leave the house, facing their fate and the true meaning of friendship and redemption.

Starring: Seth Rogan, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Emma Watson, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, and Micheal Cera.

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Don’t Miss GIANT SEA SERPENTS AND CHUPACABRA SNAILS – WELCOME TO THE MONSTROUS MENAGERIE OF TAKESHI YAMADA (ShukerNature)

Here’s a really great, exhaustively researched and put-together article on Takeshi Yamada, artist and rogue taxidermist (he currently appears on AMC’s “Immortalized”). In fact, this is the best, most complete one I could find.

I mentioned his work last week in this piece, and how I accidentally discovered his work on You Tube while surfing online when I couldn’t sleep–you know, the kind of online session where you invariably end up places with user comments like: “I think I landed on the weird part of the internet”. I couldn’t find the original video to post here. I recall it pretty well, though. The clip was presented with no explanation other than some title like “Nature’s Mistakes: Cryptozoology“* and just had a series of black and white photos of Yamada’s hair-raising art slowly fading in and out, including a couple where he poses on the beach with them as if he has discovered them, wearing a white lab coat (scroll to the very bottom of this post to see one I distinctly remember seeing and thinking something tells me in I’m for some real bad dreams tonight), set to creepy music. One of the user comments said to Google Takeshi Yamada. I did, and my first emotion was a wave of relief that these were photos of very realistically created works of art by a”rogue taxidermist” who specialized in carefully designing and crafting animals that didn’t actually exist. Nature’s Curiosities. A few on the You Tube video just looked a little too realistic (the obvious lack of Photoshop manipulation was unsettling).  Then I found the article below and read for at least an hour.  I looked him up again to read more later, when it was light out and my sleep cycle wasn’t troubled by nervous insomnia. Check it out below and prepare to be dazzled.

ShukerNature: GIANT SEA SERPENTS AND CHUPACABRA SNAILS – WELCOME TO THE MONSTROUS MENAGERIE OF TAKESHI YAMADA

 

If you’d like to see him in action, talking about his work process and his art, and showing the viewer around his studio,  I highly recommend you watch the below video (“Who is Takeshi Yamada?”) that AMC put together as an online extra for “The Immortalizer”:

The concept of the competition is that there’s four Immortalizers**, and each week some rogue taxidermist the showrunners picked comes on to challenge; they go in totally blind and they don’t even know the theme they’ll be given. The themes are pretty broad and always make a tiny part of me a little nervous as to what will be the final reveal of the art, such as “Your Worst Nightmare,” which another Immortalizer was picked for. That was kind of a relief, as even Yamada’s one depiction so far,  for the theme “The Odyssey” featured a canine beast with something like nine heads, being circled by his ‘dragon-bats’,  all with very sharp teeth–among other features– and if I owned it, I’d put it as far as possible from the bedroom or anywhere else I planned to sleep. See the ‘reveal’ in the below video (and note the sense of showmanship the artist has):

The challengers also don’t know which Immortalizer they’re going to be matched up to compete with–there’s a big build-up to the announcement and then the chosen Immortalizer makes their grand entrance.  If I were in the guest challenger’s shoes (when the challengers are introduced, they always describe themselves as ‘edgy’ and ‘wild’ in varying degrees) when the reveal came for who they are up against, and Takeshi Yamada came strolling out smiling in his vintage top hat and tux, with his ubiquitous pet ‘Sea Rabbit’ tucked under his arm, I’d immediately want to throw up my hands and say, “Fuck it! I give up, never mind! You win, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Fortunately the challengers don’t do that, though, so you get to see Yamada really go to town:

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OK, maybe there are less than nine heads, but looking at this piece? That sure as hell doesn’t matter.

If you want to see more but are in a hurry, I put together a small gallery of a few photos that I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN THE COPYRIGHT TO (Mr. Yamada does in most cases) below; click to enlarge.


I sure as hell don’t claim to know everything, but I’m positive Takeshi Yamada is incapable of making a boring work of art. Even if he tried.

*I remember Googling the word ‘Cryptozoology‘ before I Googled ‘Takeshi Yamada’, and the definition of  Cryptozoology and cryptids didn’t calm me down any at the time.

**Beth Beverly, Dave Houser, Page Nethercutt, and Takeshi Yamada are the four champion Immortalizers. If you’re a Brian Posein fan, he’s one of the three judges and says something hilarious (that usually has to have a word bleeped) at least once a show.  I looked up the schedule on the official site and Yamada will next be featured in an episode with “Heaven and Hell” as the theme.

This is one of the first photos I saw that freaked me the hell out on You Tube several years ago.

This is one of the first photos I saw that freaked me the hell out on You Tube several years ago.

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A Real Bloody Valentine

Reblogged from Apples and Alligator Pears:

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It's been a while since I've been to the Dapper Cadaver and I'm kinda sad that they are not in Hollywood anymore. If you have never been, they are horror prop masters who make and supply props for film, museums and parties and also sell to the public. Last time I was in they were working on a cadaver in the back!

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(As evidenced by the watermark, we'd like to remind you that we do not claim any ownership or copyright of the image above AT ALL - "Diaphonized Bat" © The Dapper Cadaver). Yep, we spent some time looking at the Dapper Cadaver's catalog last month and had to take a break because our minds were so blown. Make sure you have some time on your hands, because once you start, you can't look away... and the author is right, there is some REALLY fucked-up stuff in the catalog (in case the images don't point that out to you). Enjoy!
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Photo of the Day: Takeshi Yamada’s Freak Baby Museum at San Gennaro

This guy–I’ve seen his work before, once when I was suffering from night terrors and stayed up looking at creepy things online till dawn (don’t ask me why it didn’t occur to me that it was a bad combination until I’d been doing it a couple of weeks)–needs to take his show on the road. I think he’d do pretty well in Seattle.

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Doing a Google Image Search For “Takeshi Yamada’s Freak Baby” when you’ve been having nightmares lately: bad idea, or big mistake?

Didn’t know he was featured weekly on the taxidermy competition show (it’s not what you think- it’s much, much crazier)  “Immortalized,” on AMC, (one of the few competition reality shows I’ll make a point to watch), until tonight. Look for more on the amazing Mr. Takeshi Yamada and his amazing, frequently disturbing art coming up later.  If Mr. Horror Boom and I get to Coney Island, I am going to RUN, not walk, to the library/sideshows.

Photo of the Day: Takeshi Yamada’s Freak Baby Museum at San Gennaro.

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Hell Yeah! THE ABCs OF DEATH (The Long-Awaited, Bloody Good Horror Anthology) Is FINALLY AVAILABLE ON DEMAND January 31st! Ready To Learn Some ABCs? Read On!

I’ve covered this 26-part horror anthology film since July 2012 (I was actually sold the instant I heard the pitch/set-up), and after much frustrating bumping around with the release date, The ABCs of Death  will be available On Demand (The latest trailers say “Everywhere On Demand”, but obviously, you’ll need to check with your cable provider) beginning 12:01 AM January 31st, followed by a limited theatrical release on March 8th.  After a 6-month wait, you think we’re not waiting up to watch it after midnight Wednesday, the second it shows on the menu?

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They did finally release the list of every director, their letter, and the title of their segment. All we’ve known since late last year is Xavier Gens’ “X is For XXL” (supposed to be a huge standout, and gore-off) and of course, “T” contest winner Lee Hardcastle with his Claymation stand-out “T is for Toilet” (you can see it by hitting the link to this piece, some friendly advice. do NOT watch while eating, on hallucinogenics, feeling emotionally unstable, or if you have a rare fear of and/or nightmares about hungry carnivorous toilets).

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There’s some of my favorite directors (especially international ones) at the helm here to sweeten the already-great set-up, and the segment titles alone are enough to tip me off that I shouldn’t watch while feeling nauseous. Ready? Here’s the 26! To give an element of surprise, and also because I’ve got a deadline zooming at me head-on, I kept the listing in alphabetical order of the directors, rather than the letters. The movie will be showing them in alphabetical order, though!

Kaare Andrews   —  segment “V is for Vagitus”
Angela Bettis    —  segment “E is for Exterminate”
Hélène Cattet    —   segment “O is for Orgasm”
Ernesto Díaz Espinoza   —   segment “C is for Cycle”
Jason Eisener    —  segment “Y Is for Youngbuck”*
Bruno Forzani    —   segment “O is for Orgasm”
Adrián García Bogliano  —  segment “B Is for Bigfoot”
Xavier Gens   —  segment  “X Is for XXL”*
Lee Hardcastle    —  Contest Winning segment “T Is for Toilet”*
Noboru Iguchi  —  segment “F is for Fart”
Thomas Cappelen Malling  —  segment “H is for Hyrdo-Electric Diffusion”
Jorge Michel Grau  — segment “I is for Ingrown”
Anders Morgenthaler    —   segment “K is for Klutz”
Yoshihiro Nishimura   —  segment “Z is for Zetsumetsu”*
Banjong Pisanthanakun  — segment “N is for Nuptials” *
Simon Rumley   —  segment “P Is for Pressure”
Marcel Sarmiento   —  segment “D Is for Dogfight” *
Jon Schnepp —  segment “W is for WTF?”
Srdjan Spasojevic   —  segment “R Is for Removed”
Timo Tjahjanto    —   segment “L is for Libido” *
Andrew Traucki  —  segment “G is for Gravity”
Nacho Vigalondo   — segment “A Is for Apocalypse”
Jake West  — segment “S is for Speed”
Ti West  — segment “M Is for Miscarriage”
Ben Wheatley   — segment “U Is for Unearthed”
Adam Wingard  —  segment “Q Is for Quack”*
Yudai Yamaguchi  —  segment “J is for Jidai-geki” *

We also took the liberty of marking (with an asterisk ) some of the segments that we’ve read consistently –and from several sources– were supposed to be especially impressive stand-outs …with the critics and the crowd’s biggest audience re-actions.

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Oh, we’re sure those aren’t the only nine out of twenty-six good ones; these are just the ones that get mentioned the most. I wouldn’t be surprised (especially judging from some of the still photos and titles) if many of the rest are too outrageous or offensive to describe. I believe four minutes is the time limit for each segment, so if there’s a few that you find boring or stupid, you won’t have to wait long until a good one comes up. Screen shot 2013-01-30 at 6.51.51 AM If even half of them are fun, we’ll be happy. I know there’s a few failed attempts, but with 26 segments and directors like Xavier Gens, Lee Hardcastle, and half the team responsible for the Thai horror classic Shutter  (Banjong Pisanthanakun) in there, fine with me.

If you’d rather have as few surprises as possible and know the exact order of the ways to die, here’s the ‘spoiler version’ of the above list. Just high-light to read.

  • A: Nacho Vigalondo (A for Apocalypse)
  • B: Adrian Garcia Bogliano (B Is for Bigfoot)
  • C: Ernesto Diaz Espinoza (C is for Cycle)
  • D: Marcel Sarmiento (D is for Dogfight)
  • E: Angela Bettis (E is for Exterminate)
  • F: Noboru Iguchi (F is for Fart)
  • G: Andrew Traucki (G is for Gravity)
  • H: Thomas Malling (H is for Hyrdo-Electric Diffusion)
  • I: Jorge Michel Grau (I is for Ingrown)
  • J: Yûdai Yamaguchi (J is for Jidai-geki)
  • K: Anders Morgenthaler (K is for Klutz)
  • L: Timo Tjahjanto (L is for Libido)
  • M: Ti West (M for Miscarriage)
  • N: Banjong Pisanthanakun (N is for Nuptials)
  • O: Bruno Forzani, Héléne Cattet (O is for Orgasm)
  • P: Simon Rumley (P is for Pressure)
  • Q: Adam Wingard, Simon Barrett (Q for Quack)
  • R: Srdjan Spasojevic (R is for Removed)
  • S: Jake West (S is for Speed)
  • T: Lee Hardcastle (T is for Toilet)[4]
  • U: Ben Wheatley (U is for Unearthed)
  • V: Kaare Andrews (V is for Vagitus)
  • W: Jon Schnepp (W is for WTF)
  • X: Xavier Gens (X for XXL)
  • Y: Jason Eisener (Y for Young Buck)
  • Z: Yoshihiro Nishimura (Z is for Zetsumetsu)

And there’s PLENTY more information on The ABCs of Death where that came from! Keep your eyes peeled…er, perhaps not the right phrase at the right time. Watch this space. That’s better!

If you want to see the Red Band trailer, it’s in this post here. Check it out!

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Ten F*cked Up Things That Happen on Spartacus (Starz) – NSFW – Disturbing Content Warning!

SPARTACUS IS A HISTORICAL PORTRAYAL OF ANCIENT ROMAN SOCIETY THAT CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE and adult content. Viewer Discretion is advised.

 

 

The above disclaimer (or attention-magnet) is shown along with the usual MA – LSV rating before each episode of Spartacus on Starz.  Fans don’t just watch the show for the blood, sex, guts, and sex, but also for the well-written characters and their story arcs, as well as plot twists and reveals that have stunned even some of the more cynical reviewers.

What’s an article on Starz‘s epic series Spartacus doing up on here? Well, it’s in the new issue of Fangoria, for one (even though they didn’t focus on the gore, sadly), and every episode has been brought to you by (among others) Raimi/Tapert/Donen Productions. Yeah, THAT Raimi. Some gladiators look like actual monsters; some characters are beautiful outside and monsters inside.

Just another day at the office for the House of Batiatus...

Just another day at the office for the House of Batiatus…

I’ve tried to keep these vague as far as characters involved, but several of these could be considered spoilers. If you plan on watching Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (prequel 6-episode miniseries) Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Season One) and Spartacus: Vengeance (Season 2) and want to go in completely  100% clean, maybe you should just skim it.*
If you’re considering watching the show but are unsure if it might be too graphic, violent, and disturbing for you, then this is a great way to find out what you’re in for.  Hint: if you’re worried it might be too sick for your personal tastes, there’s a 99% chance you are, in fact, correct.

These aren’t the  most fucked-up things, or all the fucked-up things, they’re just some memorable highlights. I’m not kidding, this list almost wrote itself, I sure didn’t need to stretch to think of ten bloodcurdling events. If I included every messed-up thing that happened, the list would easily go into triple-digits (and there’s still one season left as of this writing).

1. An especially disgusting character gets interrupted while raping a screaming female slave. When he stands up and faces away from her to turn and confront the interlopers, the woman grabs his sword and rams it all the way up his ass with such force that the tip pokes through his stomach from before she yanks it back out. So there.

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2. Soon after, a male character gets information out of that pig by pulling some of his guts out of the aforementioned wound (with his bare hands) and promising him a fast death if he tells him what he wants to know right away (it works).

3. A gladiator kills his opponent by shoving a spear through his opponent’s mouth, out the side of his face, then twisting it until the man’s jaw is literally hanging by a few threads (shown in slow motion, with shots of even the most jaded spectators looking horrified). Extra points to the make-up/FX team for using prosthetics.

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4. In one of the most disturbing scenes of the entire goddamned series (which is saying quite a bit),  a noblewoman snaps, attacking her (former) friend, and kills her in an enraged frenzy by savagely smashing her skull down against the marble floor countless times.  She literally bashes her head in, we’re talking bits of skull and brain within a radius of at least a yard, her eyeball is popped out of the socket, her face caves in, blood everywhere, before someone can intervene and pull her away.

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5 .Two gladiators are brought out to fight a giant fat rival gladiator (who may remind viewers a little of  Ancient Rome’s Tor Johnson). They win by working as a team, wrapping a chain around his neck and then using all their combined weight to pull the chain from opposite sides until the fat gladiator’s head pops off like a champagne cork.

6. In an underground fighting area, simple referred to as “The Pit”,  unofficial fights to the death take place. Fighting dirty is encouraged, bets are placed, and the crowd mostly consists of criminals, compulsive gamblers, etc. Many dead bodies get dragged up and hung upside-down on meat-hooks. One ‘champion’ celebrates every victory by slicing off the skin of his dead of opponent’s faces and wearing it on his own. He doesn’t bother fashioning it into a mask like Leatherface does, he just slices ‘em off with a hooked blade and then slaps that shit right on his face.The skinned faces look really horrifying, and brought the gore-extravaganza also known as the 2010 Piranha*  remake to mind for me.  Check it out below (sorry, I couldn’t find one without the editorial comments stuck in the action):

7. A noblewoman decides to “sponsor” a new gladiator-in-training and picks the one whose main character trait is that he’s more well-endowed than Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights.  They must have used a prosthetic, otherwise the actor playing him would have been a porn superstar and made enough to retire by now. Later, after he betrays someone, his endowment in chopped off (we don’t see that part, but we see his bloody junk in the sand) then they crucify him in the training square, we see the wound bleeding down his legs (it’ll look familiar if you’ve seen the Italian cannibal flick Make Them Die Slowly )

8. At a party of the city’s richest and most important men and their wives, a captured fighter in the slave rebellion is unlucky enough to be picked to be hog-tied and hung up from the ceiling like a human piñata . Instead of getting hit with sticks, though, people draw numbers to determine which guest gets to step right up to cut off a piece of him first. If that’s not fucked-up enough…

9.  This gets worse as the guest who gets first, er, stab at him cuts out his tongue with a sword. Either the sword is about as sharp as a butter knife or the guy who did it was really, really bad with his weapon, as the poor rebel’s tongue is not so much cut out as slowly sawed off. The host jovially tells the second guest not to cut too deeply,  “to not deprive others of their turn”. Again, the wealthy party guests (plenty are politicians, with their wives) are drawing numbers out of a goddamned bowl  so everyone gets a turn. At one point, you can see a line of smiling guests forming. People eat snacks, chat happily, etc. while watching and waiting for their turn.

10. A man’s face is suddenly chopped off during a fight with an uppercut of a sword starting under his jaw (possibly the most shockingly gory thing I’ve seen in the history of the series, which is no small feat). One second it’s there, the next second CHOP  Not just his face gets liberated from his head, but the whole front of his skull.  As he falls forward, dead,  his brain slowly slides out of his brain-pan like a gory loaf of bread . Think I’m exagerrating?

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Even two of the toughest, most seen-and done-it-all former gladiators who see it are visibly stunned …as you can see if you have the stomach to watch the actual clip below:  

The final season of Spartacus, titled Spartacus: War of The Damned premieres tonight, January 25th,  on Starz. Find out more here – including the fact that the premiere is online, streaming, for free …now!

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The term “blood bath” on Spartacus is often literal.

*Though I am putting a more spoiler-y version later (don’t worry, you will be warned well in advance if you want to avoid spoilers)

**Mainly brought to you by the genius of Greg Nicotero, in some of the best work I’ve ever seen from him and Nicotero-Berger. I still cannot believe that movie got away with an R-Rating, but that’s a piece for another time.

Dedication: This piece goes out to Pete, Cindy, Norm, and all my other friends at Get Glue who asked me to tell them when I wrote it–thanks, you guys. Seriously.

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Ten Shocking Things We Learned From American Horror Story Asylum Episode Ten, “The Name Game” (Major Spoilers)

Believe it or not, no pun intended on the title. Yes, Sister  Jude was forcibly given an especially, deliberately brutal shock treatment session, but we spent the episode either with our jaws on the floor at reveal after reveal, sudden deaths,  lines and acts that I was surprised got by the FX notes department, laughing with glee, or loudly exclaiming profanities. They turned the juice up extra high on us, that’s for sure. Ole Mrs. Horror Boom here somehow took notes while simultaneously sounding like a less coherent, female version of the routine Eddie Murphy did back in the 80s about talking back to the screen in movie theaters. “The Name Game” came close to pure gold other than a couple of brief glitches that’ll be covered in the “Stray Thoughts” section to be added before the next episode, after I grab some sleep.–just wanted to make sure I got the usual list published first. So let’s go! Gabba Gabba HEY, Pepper!

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1. Our Pepper was framed! In her own words (during a really great monologue that leaves Dr. Arden shaking, his ego shattered): “Dr. Arden, you still see me as microcephalic. No-one takes a pinhead seriously. When my sister’s husband drowned her baby and sliced his ears off, he told everybody that I did it. They tied me up and paraded me in front of a judge. He took one look at the shape of my head and I was locked up for good. That’s how it works with us freaks. We get blamed for everything.”

She’s destroyed you, and now she’s destroyed me.

 

2. The cold open rockets from good to great as soon as we realize Pepper isn’t scared of Dr. Nazi. In fact, by the time the cold open is over, he’s scared of her.  Ha-ha! How’s that  feel, Hans, you cowardly prick? Our favorite pinhead calmly, evenly informs him that she has been sent back to protect Grace, and lays out how this is going to work. THEN Pepper tells him “the others” (the aliens whose intelligence he was so impressed by in Episode 9) had been watching his “clumsy experiments” and had a good hearty laugh at him and his ‘barbaric practices’ (I wish there was a way– and I doubt that I’m alone her–, that somehow this whole sequence could have lasted twenty minutes). Anyway, after destroying his ego and pride, she laid the situation out for him: “But if something happens to Grace in here, and she is harmed in any way, there won’t be anyone else to blame. They’ll take you, open up your head, and stir your brain with a fork. And when you’re returned, you’ll experience firsthand how they treat us freaks. I’ll take care of Grace. Why don’t you go to your whore nun, have her soothe your deflated ego?”

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Though Dr. Nazi lied like a rug when he hastily returned to revive Kit (“There was no visitation,” he said, but didn’t make much eye contact with Kit) and appeared composed, we see in brief flashback that by the end of the above speech, he was left slumped, panting (per the closed captions) and covering his face with shaking hands. Later in the episode, we have confirmation that yes, Dr. Nazi took her very seriously indeed, as that was the end of his experiments (we watched him prove it). Whatever scraps of his ego and hopes that Sister Mary-Demon hadn’t already damaged beyond repair, Pepper grabbed, threw on the floor and stomped on.  Also, the fact that Pepper’s been charged with protecting Grace explains why she was taken when the pattern for the others taken (Alma and Grace) was that they’d recently had sex with Kit, and she didn’t. So glad that turned out to not be a plot-hole.

“You are one. Sick. Twist.” -Kit to Dr. Thredson

 

 

3. One source of ours (who only gave us the below one tip, phew) was apparently full of shit, as their tip was:  the dirt that Dr. Arden was using to ‘blackmail’  the Monsignor was that he was a sex addict.  Speaking of “one sick twist,” we learned he was in fact a virgin, and even though he knew he shouldn’t have (vows of purity and all that) and did try to resist, she wore that all down pretty fast. Sister Mary Demon ground all over him and soon he wasn’t as emphatic while telling her, “no… I must not… stop… don’t… stop,” and he started breathing harder when Sister Mary Demon peeled off her habit and revealed that she was wearing the now-notorious red slip. OK, we want to be accurate here but not cross the line into trashy, we’ll do our best. It began when he tried to begin the traditional exorcism (“I cast thee out in the name of...”) but that ended within seconds as Sister Mary Demon shrugged him away and laughed at the joke, telling him, “Good one, father. Wanna hear mine?”  She began a dirty limerick that ended with, “His mighty dick/ was inches thick/He called it Salamander.” When he tried to clumsily continue the exorcism, Sister Mary tossed him across the room onto the bed (without touching him),  and asked salaciously, “How about yours, Father? Is yours …inches thick?”   and wasted no time  crudely seducing him and getting about as verbally graphic as FX could let the writers. The icing on the cake was Dr. Nazi walking in on them JUST as Timothy finally, despite himself (I feel like a pervert just describing this) moaned very loudly as he got off,  but with the worst possible timing for everyone. Everyone, that is, except Sister Mary Demon, who–talk about “one sick twist”– seemed to have planned the timing as she was urging the Monsignor, “Not yet… wait…” RIGHT until Dr. Nazi walked in and saw everything, including the Monsignor’s happy  (or not-so-happy) ending.  Furthermore, it’s going to take poor Monsignor years of therapy (at best) before he doesn’t associate orgasm with suddenly noticing an imposing,  bald elderly man in a doctor’s jacket standing in his line of sight, glaring venomously at him (assuming, after that icky timing, that Father Timothy ever feels like even having sex with himself, let alone another person, for the next decade or so).  I think they even made eye contact. Ugh. If Dr. Nazi had the tiniest grain of a soul, morality, or humanity left in him after Pepper tells him what a joke he really is, anything that was left died (painfully, we can hope) inside him forever at that moment. We learned that because…

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4.  Later, after the big dance number in Jude’s head, Dr. Nazi looked really  depressed as  he trudged into the Rasper Zone in the woods for a rare afternoon feeding, pushing the wheelbarrow full of large chunks of raw meat (Sister Mary Demon tagging along beside him). He half-heartedly tossed rasper-chow out, around the edges of their wooded area. All delusions of grandeur, power, and his God-complex were gone; instead his demeanour seemed closer to that of a small boy who had recently been informed his entire family had been killed in a car-wreck and he had to go live in an orphanage.  Then the raspers lurched out for their meal, and Dr. Nazi suddenly produced a gun and began joylessly executing them by shooting them in the back of the head (I counted four dead). When he started picking them off, Sister Mary-Demon looked like she’d gotten a surprise gift even as he announced to her in a lifeless voice that the experiment was over.  When he put the gun to his head, Sister Mary Demon watched with amused interest to see whether he would pull the trigger or not. Fortunately, Dr. Nazi didn’t— Ryan Murphy isn’t going to end such an amazing storyline (and character arcs that were all at once successfully swooping, fun, horrifying, and believable) without one hell of a pay-off  …and did we ever  get one at the episode’s staggering close. Instead he broke into sobs, collapsed to his knees, and asked Sister Mary Demon if she knew how much it had hurt him to lose her. She’s disgusted, tells him he’s pitiful, pushes his clinging arms away as he begs her to have pity, and it was satisfying to see him doing the begging when he’d so enjoyed making women beg him for mercy for nine episodes. He curls up, weeping and broken.


You have no secrets from me.

5.  We learned that Sister Mary’s (truncated) master plan and goal (which Lily Rabe and Ryan Murphy had both promised did indeed exist and would be revealed) included attaching herself to Monsignor (“You are mine now”) and thus rising in the hierarchy of the church …together.  Bishop…cardinal…dare we even say… POPE.  “The desires of the flesh are nothing compared to the rewards of power and ambition,” she tells a grim Monsignor Timothy. “I know you’re weak, but I’m strong enough for both of us.”  Besides the everyday chaos she enjoyed causing, Sister Mary Demon also delighted in the idea of next giving Jude (after the brutal ECT)  a trans-orbital lobotomy for *cough* therapeutic benefits, and to “crack that skull open like a walnut” (because we suppose frying half her brain like an egg wasn’t enough).

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“Ravage Me Red …Ravish Me Red…”

 

6. Speaking of that sad development, we learned Jessica Lange had another heart-wrenching monologue left in her… or rather, they had another written  for her, as I’ll never doubt her acting ability again. They write ‘em for Ms. Lange, she nails them shut. This time she nearly levelled us during her visit with Mother Claudia when it became clear much of her memory and sanity had been destroyed from the abuse heaped on her. (We’ll transcribe it later). This led us to learning. that…

7.  Judy (or as Sister Mary Demon has cruelly designated her, Patient Number G2573) is clinging to the scraps of sanity she has left,especially trying to focus on matching names to faces; thank God one of the memories she retained is that Lana was unfairly locked up (by her), and she must keep trying to explain that Lana does NOT belong in Briarcliff.

“Anyone else have a bone to pick with me?”

 

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8.  In the “really  shitty news department”  we learn that Dr. T/Bloody Face (who has one of the best moments in the episode as he makes his entrance into the common room at Briarcliff to Screaming Jay Hawkins’ “I Put A Spell On You”) has changed his plans. Sister Mary-Demon must have told him that Lana’s DIY abortion didn’t take. His new, somehow more horrible plan, isn’t to kill her, not with the baby inside her–he tells her that as long as that baby is inside her, she’ll stay alive. When Lana asks if he’ll kill her as soon as the baby is born,  Dr. T explains his new plans to make sure she breastfeeds him for at least a year… no wire monkey mother for the son of Bloody Face (or so he thinks). Oh, and because that’s not bad enough, Sister Mary Demon offered him a permanent position at Briarcliff, which he was happy to accept (and yes, he reveals what we all strongly suspected–Sister Mary Demon untied him).  Later, we learn more about his new agenda.  Next goal?  To get the location of the taped confession out of Kit with the help of a straitjacket and some sodium pentothal (AKA truth serum) from Dr. Nazi’s office. Instead he follows the cries of a female in pain –you know he loves that  sound.  This leads him to discover Grace in labor (with Pepper calmly helping, telling Dr. T she’s crowning). This (understandably) catches even him off guard, but he recovers quickly enough to put this new weird discovery into play. He plans to use the son (after he’s told the father is Kit) as a bargaining chip. No need for sodium pentothal yet.  When it came to getting the information on the location of the tape reel, Dr. T. counted on Kit’s “Savior complex,” especially when it comes to women and children, being stronger than his utter hatred for Thredson. Dr. T did accurately analyze Kit at some point, apparently.  Kit  finally caved when Dr. T showed him his baby boy and gave him an ultimatum (we don’t hear the choice he gives Kit; in all fairness, he could have threatened the baby (though I doubt Pepper will let that happen, Kit didn’t know it). Thankfully, we then learned…

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9.  Lana was proactive and moved the blanket-wrapped confession reel to a new, undisclosed location, wisely not telling ANYONE where it was, to protect herself and Kit. She wanted to exonerate Kit and uncover Thredson as the real Bloody Face, but while she’d become allies with Kit, she made sure to also cover her ass… and Kit’s. She told Dr. T if he hurt Kit OR her, she’d find a way to get that tape to the police. Dr T. looks furious but also taken by surprise. “You know I can do it, Oliver. I’m goddamned plucky, remember?”  Oh HEYALL yes! That’s more like it!

“Do you know your name?”

 

10.  The Angel of Death (played by Frances Conroy) didn’t come to Timothy (who had been ‘calling’ her) to give him her kiss of death. We see a flashback to what happened right after episode 9 ended, and it’s nothing so simple. Instead…

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Monsignor, up on the cross:  Have you come for me? Why are you here?
Dark AngelI came because you have more work to do. The devil is here in Briarcliff, in your favorite young nun. You must cast her out.
M: I am too weak.
D: God will help you.
M: She’ll know.
D: Guard your thoughts. Use your rosary, each bead bears his name.

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That part about the rosary didn’t help, but she  sure dd. After Sister Mary Eunice’s innocent soul broke through briefly and begged Monsignor Timothy to be let go, he told her to let him go.  When she does, he gives her a surprisingly firm push up and over the balcony of the third floor, and she falls–released– to her death. We were in so much denial we thought she was going to change back at the last second and bite off the Dark Angel’s nose or suck out her power or something–PSYCH!  Instead, Death is able to take “both of them” to peace: Sister Mary and the Demon that had (formerly) resided in her.

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Note: I surprised myself by writing pages of ‘ stray thoughts’ about the episode, a majority of it concerning the twisted ‘love triangle’ and character arcs over the past 10 episodes of Dr. Arden/Gruper/Nazi, the human Sister Mary Eunice, and Sister Mary-Demon that concluded at the end of the episode, then seeing it was turning into a long-winded essay. So here’s the shorter version of my ‘stray thoughts’, later I’ll include a length to the ‘uncensored, uncut’ version (on the 2% chance someone might run out of  pieces written focusing on minute details and metaphors of America Horror Story Asylum to read online).  So here’s the more tidy version. Thanks!

Stray Thoughts:

  • First, let’s get the bitching out of the way. Not one, but two characters (Possessed Sister Mary and non-possessed Monseigneur) used the words “epic failure.” Not “epic fail” (because ‘fail’ is NOT A GODDAMNED NOUN OR ADJECTIVE and it would have sent me into an angry frenzy of calling out the writers in public), thank God. The first line that concerned Sister Mary Demon calling Jude’s administration of Briarcliff her “epic failure”,  took me out of the episode for a second. Everything was cruising along fine, with Sister Mary Demon being especially entertaining and evil (more on that later). It takes a LOT to take me out of this show, in fact this is the only time I can recall it happening. Later,  after Sister Mary-Demon violated the Monsigneur’s “purity” when he attempted a pretty low-key exorcism,  he went to talk to a barely-there Judy in the kitchen,  then he called his exorcism attempt “an epic failure”.  STOP THAT! On almost any other show (taking place in the 90s or earlier) two uses of that term would have caused the entire episode to a screech to a halt (and if any other show taking place back then actually used the term “Epic fail,” the entire SERIES would screech to a halt).  However, everything else in this stunner of an epic episode was pure gold, so I’ll overlook it and just bump my episode grade to A-. I can’t give any episode with a hallucinatory song/dance sequence that awesome even a B+.
  • Speaking of dialogue, other than what I let slide above, “The Name Game” had some of the best, most chilling, and perfectly delivered dialogue this season. The exchange I never get tired of watching was the one after Dr. Nazi and the Monsignor had agreed on Dr. Thredson handling the cremation personally:

Monsignor, as he prepares to leave the room: As a sign of Sanctity, sometimes God permits the dead body to emit an odor of sweet perfume. It was said that when Saint Theresa De Avila died, the smell of roses lingered in the convent for days.
Dr. Arden: What do you smell now, Monsignor?
Monsignor: Nothing but decay.

It was James Cromwell’s lifeless, yet perfect delivery of his line that gave me a serious chill.

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  • Still not sure what Dr. Thredson said to Kit to make him disclose where the tapes were hidden. I almost wonder if Kit knew they’d been moved, just not where, but Dr. Thredson had him in a straitjacket (even though for over half of his onscreen time, Kit’s wardrobe seems to consist of shackles, straitjackets, and other restraining devices that so many kinky Evan Peters fans online own up to getting them hot and bothered), and was not being gentle. We cut away before Dr. T. gave what had to be some kind of ultimatum. However, after I re-watched the scene, I saw Pepper (Grace and the baby’s bodyguard),  was in the room, and I don’t think she’d take kindly to Dr. T threatening the baby even verbally. Bugs me a tiny bit, but the “See Spot Jump” payoff was so good, I don’t really care.
  • Fans everywhere are going nuts  over the musical number; I thought I’d find that at least 1/3 of cynical viewers would call it a “jump the shark moment,” but only one person online did. It didn’t even make me mad enough to respond; for once I just actually felt bad for all the cool stuff and fun the person would be missing after they vowed to never watch the show ever again.  Jessica Lange did a great job singing, and Lana? That chick knows how to go-go dance!  Oh, and did you catch those shots of the “Dead Mexican” that Sister Mary Demon stabbed in the neck with scissors, then fed to the raspers? She looked all better, dancing away!
  • Are we the only ones feeling sort of bummed after all the raspers were unceremoniously executed? OK, Dr. Arden Nazi shot four, maybe he missed a few. Or one. It wasn’t as depressing as many other events that took place in episode ten, but still. Either way, I’m still going to finish that gallery, I’m a woman of my word. I really wanted to see them rip the throat out of a character who DESERVED it.  Maybe we’ll get that…
  • If this episode was supposed to contain a “moment” conveying the secret to S3, I’ve got a guess-based on Murphy saying it was not a line, but hinting at a shot or angle, here’s our prediction: watch as Dr. Nazi kills the fourth Rasper. The shooting style completely changes for a moment; we get one of those action-movie. or even a Western, bullet’s-POV-mode as he fires. It really didn’t fit, and we were in the hands of a great director and DP who wouldn’t just whimsically toss in something like that for no real reason. Crime drama? Western? Travelling “Wild West Show” type of carnival where one of the acts people pay to see are a sharpshooter shooting an apple off someone’s head? It’s probably nothing, just a hunch.
  • And finally,  Sister Mary Demon was at the top of her game (and entertainment value) right up until that third-floor shove. The writers must have known how much we’d miss Sister Mary, because this week, they fuckin’ went to town.  From the Great! Big! Music Box! unveiling (starting with Screaming Jay Hawkins’ kick-ass “I Put A Spell on You,” I guess all those prudes in the 1950s were right—Rock and Roll really IS ‘The Devil’s Music’!) dedicated especially to Miss Judy Martin… to going through the cells and planting (so to speak) a cucumber in Judy’s room (that looked way too big to have any… never mind).  and calling attention to it in front of the other now-giggling patients (“Take this from the kitchen? Get the idea from Shelley? We can’t have you diddling yourself all night long! …Do you think of Monseigneur Timothy?”)
  •  Speaking of diddling, Sister Mary Demon looked borderline orgasmic as she turned up the shock therapy on poor struggling, horrified Jude past 50% and scrambling her brain. For some reason, that act struck me as more evil than stabbing that poor, terrified Mexican inmate (who no-one ever gave a shit about looking for, along with Shelley and Pepper) in the neck with a pair of scissors. This was on a par with dumping poor Shelley in a playground , and with deliberately letting Dr. Thredson loose, then hiring him on when she knew everything he’d done and was going to do. Put that together what she did to Jude in The Name Game are those were her top three most evil, vile acts (I’m not counting some of the things she SAID, just her actions are in the running for the Vile and Evil Top Three).
  • I still think Arden is was as much of a monster as Bloody Face, but a tiny part of me felt a kind of grudging respect for the evil old bastard sticking to his guns and taking that shit to the grave with him. I don’t want to get into discussing religion and whether or not there is an afterlife. However, if in the “American Horror Story Asylum Universe” the devil is real (which Arthur had to have figured out around the holidays), then it means Hell is also real. Guess where Dr. Nazi’s soul is going to end up? I loved that the final shot (the whole last couple of minutes were flawless—though I would have liked to hear a little more agonized screaming from that shitbird, but no complaints either) was from a POV inside the crematorium, seeing the steel door slide down and shut out all everything else… except for the flames, which he’ll be burning in for all eternity.
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'American Horror Story': Ryan Murphy on this week's major character deaths and hints about season 3 -- EXCLUSIVE

Reblogged from Inside TV:

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It's getting down to the final episodes of American Horror Story: Asylum so it's not surprising that we're starting to see characters bid adieu. Last night, devil-possessed nun Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) and former Nazi Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) both bit the dust. Also, within this hour, is a clue to the super-secret season three storyline of American Horror Story…

Read more… 1,180 more words

I still can barely string sentences together, that blew me away so much. So read THIS! More from Horror Boom after our fucking heads are still spinning! You should see my notes, if you want a good laugh. Pretty much a transcription of what I was yelling at the TV (when my jaw wasn't hanging open). Will post those soon, THEN the usual "Ten SHOCKING Things We Learned." Screen shot 2012-12-27 at 11.19.58 PM